Today has been a day of list making and trying to knock a few things off the list. I have lists for me, lists for Snake, and more lists for work and life. Just as I cross off a few, I always end up adding another to the bottom.
Mostly I’ve been trying to corral my brain so it doesn’t go in so many directions that I accomplish nothing. So, as I sat down to write, nothing was sparking interest so I started looking through quotes that I have saved and this one seemed perfect.
“I do not think I’m easy to define. I have a wandering mind. And I’m not anything that you think I am.”
Syd Barrett
It fits me on so many levels. I can’t even define myself. I’m asked what I do and I try to be a little obscure if it is someone online to protect anonymity. But, even with people who I talk to regularly, it ends up being convoluted. My stock answer is researcher.
And maybe that actually defines ME really well. I’ve never been good at a one year or five year or ten year plan. I don’t know where I will want to be in a year because I don’t know WHO I will be in a year. I have some constants. I want Snake in my life, as my person.
I had a professor in college who said something that always stuck with me. He was a sociology professor and one of the best teachers I ever had. He accepted people and listened and was never afraid to push boundaries for the right reasons. And he said that going off to “find yourself” was meaningless because you aren’t lost. You are not going to open a door and exclaim, “There I am!” Finding yourself is really a journey through life making adjustments.
And adjust I do. My mind wanders one way and I explore that direction. It might be interesting or I might drop that idea and move on to another. I am not one to stagnate. When I get too comfortable, I get twitchy. Comfort zones and ruts scare me because, while they are good for basic life routines, they make me feel like I stopped growing and changing.
Why? I’m sure there are lots of answers that are lurking in my psyche but I think it always goes back to the researcher in me. I want to know about people and things and places. I want new experiences that make me feel. We are both adrenaline junkies and jump at the chance to try something new. Yes, it is scary as fuck sometimes. And, yes, sometimes it is something we will never try again. But we will try something else. And yet another thing.
Definitions don’t work for me–in fact, I probably change just to avoid them at times. And, I’m probably not what you think I am. But that’s OK because I don’t even know who or what I am. Yet.