Perhaps not an explicit “fantasy” type of post, but the whole control thing has been one of the more intriguing (and hard to figure out at times) aspects of having a D/SFLR relationship. It’s oddly a button for me, and it’s a button for Charmer – at opposing ends of the spectrum of course, so it’s been important to figure out.
We still don’t have it figured out. We’re still working on it – and there certainly is more than one way to accomplish control and the power exchange in a relationship. The thing that may be one of the harder items to get is just that; that your way is your way. You have to find things that work for you and those you wish to share/give your control to.
Some of the things that have come under the heading of control have been all over the board.
…or, “Arguments” – it happens, you won’t agree on everything. This has admittedly been a huge learning point – how do you shut down a disagreement without dismissing one or the other party? Because, of course, if you dismiss someone and their side of things, aren’t you just going to stoke the fires of ickiness? (it is so a word in this context) – so how do you retain control for the Dominant in those situations? It gets sticky.
For me, and this is not exactly second nature, I’ve taken the tact of doing my best to stop. Take a breath. Let it pass. It’s probably not even what I’m perceiving, it’s something else. Let the situation pass (assuming no one and no thing is injured in the process) and circle back later if you still need to talk it out. That control is no small thing for me, I admit. I still work on it when it comes up. I find a simple “yes Ma’am” restores her faith in the system, my faith in the process and control of the situation.
Not bad, from discussions to orgasms… but yeah. Control there is one of the fun ones. I’ve been amazed that it’s possible to control not only the “nope” but also the “yep, and NOW” aspect of things. I mean, how does such a physical action/reaction get tangled up in a clearly psychological bit of control? And without your say-so, really? Yes, consent, but still. It’s a weird thing to ask “Can I?” and get “nope” and realize that you can’t even sneak it in there. Or, to be fully content to not, and then hear “now…” and realize that you have seconds before you respond. It’s a rush, and I suspect it’s a rush for both in the situation.
“Out and About”
Personally, I get some of the biggest rushes from this – where you have ways of dictating control over a situation out in public, by using private and almost “inside joke” level communications. By this I mean it might be a look, a subtle hand signal, even a word that has multiple meanings. I could tell you about dance routine modifications we’ve done, about selecting the night’s wine(s), about all sorts of situations where I’m not the one in control. It’s not a resentment thing at all. It’s a real energy induction when it happens – it means you’re both tuned in. Both on the same wavelength, both thinking about it.
All of it…
It’s the big things, the little things, the subtle things, the in-your-face things.
I think that’s a huge part of why control is such a hot button. If they demand something or “own” something and you respond, you have to both be at the same place, both thinking about it, both feeding it to succeed. On the other hand, when the control descends around me, I feel the same. “Wow, they were just thinking about me – and we’re making it work seamlessly!” It’s a rush. I know that sounds like a super-selfish thing, but when you’re out and transparently the wine is ordered, or dinner or some other selection is made that could as easily have been a joint thing, but it isn’t… it’s a reminder of them saying “I’ve got you…”
That’s very hot.