[SSC: Just a warning….I was laughing so hard that I almost fell out of my chair when I was reading this. So fair warning: strap in…]
I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie “Inside Out” from Disney/Pixar – but if not, you may want to check it out. (Here’s a link to the trailer for context, it’s short and important for this post) It’s hysterically funny, and at the same time, shows the conversations that happen in our respective brains as life moves forward.
I had this type of conversation happen to me with Charmer and the only way I could describe it was in terms of the movie – for future reference, the characters in my head that were involved were:
This is a story that takes after those parts in movies where something huge is happening. They zoom in on the clock and you watch the second hand jerk forward, “click” and freeze… then all hell breaks loose in the span of time before that next second. That was me. That was what Charmer pulled on me.
Let me explain.
I had been, well, fastened, to the bed, just about as spread eagle as is possible and just about as immobilized as possible. Charmer was using me (oh, woe is me) for her fun and things were going along swimmingly. That whole “O” control thing was in high gear, I was feeling pretty confident and she was enjoying the situation as well. [SSC: I was “enjoying” the situation. Would you like another biscuit with your tea?]
But then that feeling started to creep into things. You know the one. The one that says “hey, if we keep going, we could have a problem here…” All the flags were flying and this was the first sign of Mr. Fear. He was screaming in the background of the control room, yelling that we had to do something; otherwise, over the top we’ll go.
Charmer had already let me know that tonight was NOT going to be the night for me. That it was about what she wanted. Sweet – fun times! But there were those feelings. Now, typically, those feelings build and build and build and I have ways to knock them back down and usually keep going. But I wasn’t really in charge here, physically or otherwise. Stopping was only half in my control, if that. Charmer was driving, period.
OK, no problem. I can do this. I can shut this down.
Things go rushing forward, I can see we’re heading to no-man’s land, but she’s just watching me, staring into my head, with this… grin on her face. She can see it building. She can see the guys at the control desk:
- Fear: Um, guys… we’re in trouble here.
- Joy: YES! YES! That’s it, here we go! OMIGOD this is it!
- Anger: Stop this. Stop it now!
Round and round they go, arguing – control, no control. All of this is happening in the span of probably 30 seconds. But just imagine these guys sitting at the control console, arguing, pushing buttons to manage the response, the whole conversation playing out in my head, all while Charmer is riding away, grinning and going for gold. [SSC: Going for gold…not really what was on my mind.]
I realize I’m hitting the point of no return.
Fear: “Can I come?”
Anger: “Yes, YES! That’s what we can do. We’ll win this! She won’t say yes, she already said no!”
Fear: “Please, can I come?”
Charmer: “Do you want to?”
There’s that clock tick. Probably two of them. The guys in my head stop everything, EVERYTHING they’re doing and look at each other. That’s NOT the answer I expected. It was supposed to be NO. It was supposed to be the signal to stop and regroup for a second. No such luck.
Me: “What?!?” [SSC: Incredulous doesn’t begin to cover it.]
Charmer: “Do you want to?”
Joy jumps in “YES! YES!” “Yes,” I tell Charmer. She looks at me, smiles and says “Really?”
Another dramatic clock-tick.
And another. Absolute silence in my head. Then Fear – “No, NO!! We can’t – we don’t know what lies on the other side, besides, this isn’t our time, it’s hers…”
Anger: “DAMNIT! We can’t do this! We have to STOP.”
“No,” I tell Charmer. “No I don’t. ” But she’s still going. All the while the guys in my head are now pushing all the stop buttons, all the controls, spinning dials to shut down whatever they can to prevent it.
It works. All of this happens in about a total of 5 seconds. But now when I look at Charmer, she’s just smiling at me. [SSC: I knew that you wanted to be denied…] And grinning that grin that only I get to see because of, well, other sensations she’s going through, but still, smiling.
Later when we talked about it, all I got was “You were so cute when you changed your answer so quickly!”
The team in my head needs a far better, far more reliable “big red abort button” – or perhaps we need to install a 3-key authorization system – with passwords… or something. Or, perhaps I need to keep writing about those conversations. 🙂