I’ve seen a whole series of articles and posts going around talking about what’s required to be a Dom(me). Of course the articles are all about the fact that there simply is not a “one true path” to being a Dom(me) but more of a mindset that you make your own.
There is so much information “out there” that gives rules on what is, and is not, truly fulfilling that role. From what you need to be thinking to how you are with your partners and submissive partners. Needless to say, it’s all bunk. The only way this can work is if you make it your own. There are infinite flavors and infinite ideas on what you may find appealing. Need inspiration? Everything from Fetlife to amazing writers (looking at you Domme Chronicles and so many more) that talk about so many aspects of things to think about.
But that’s not what this post is about.
Being the submissive partner is just as variable. I’ve seen countless posts (again, Fetlife, blogs, questions on blogs, etc.) asking about what people “must do to be a submissive.” The responses are often that it depends on you, but too often, a whole series of things that are *required* of the submissives in a relationship.
I’m no expert, we’re only a couple of years into our own exploration of this, but I can tell you this, the one thing that has become abundantly clear to me is that this is all on you and your Dom(me) to define in a way that works for you.
When you look at what many sites portray, you get a feeling that every relationship includes all of those common elements. This isn’t to say that it’s not OK if that’s something you like, but rather to say that it’s a menu, a smorgasbord of options and ideas. Not only that, but you have to tweak the ideas to work in your own case.
One example of this is with Charmer and me – we live and breathe many different aspects – the first was chastity and now we’re amping up the FLR side of our relationship. That process has been one of many discussions, defining things, trying things. Things like “what happens out in public…” and how to work with things she wants to know about and “control” but have me manage for her. We’ve had to solve these in our own, unique way. We found that, for us, part-time FLR wasn’t enough. We liked what we saw early on so much that we wanted to move into full-time. But this introduces a whole host of new variables. We have twisted and turned things now, and even have an agreement around it, such that it works well for us. We’ll probably change it going forward too as we find new or better ways to do things.
There is no edict of things you must do, no “no matter what they say, you must do it.” There’s still consent, and you still are really in this to find things that work for you, that work for your dynamic. When you find someone pushing what *must* be done, take it as an idea, something to explore if it sounds interesting.
We’ve found many things we like more than others, many things that are one-offs but we’re happy that we did that one-off. We have many other things that we had no idea would work well for us and yet they’re now part of our dynamic in an ongoing way.
I see this a lot about chastity too – if you’re not locked away in chastity 24x7x365 with no release in the last “X” number of days or whatever the claim is, you’re not doing it right. Sorry, but your kink is your kink. If wearing it all the time is your thing, great. If wearing it 10 minutes a day works for you, also great. Weekends? Excellent.
Stop worrying about what others tell you you must do, start exploring, make sure you’re enjoying. Make sure it’s working in your relationship.
Yes, if you’re the submissive partner, you will be making sure you’re also supporting your Dom(me). But the point of all this is to mold things to make them work for your own, specific, particular relationship and the needs of you and your partner.