I was reading Thumper’s post today about “High Anxiety” and it really struck a nerve. A good nerve. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the impact of chastity and giving over control. Even with my recent issues with Edema, my mindset is still one of her controlling the whole orgasm side of things. I just wouldn’t have it any other way. We’ll get the device issues sorted.
He also talks about increasing concerns when Thumper and Belle are apart. I’m not a fan of anxiety, not at all, but this is an artifact of an intense and excellent relationship. All IMHO of course, but I wanted to throw my hat in the ring on his post because I feel many very similar things going on in my head/life/relationship and his post really gave my thoughts “legs. ”
It takes some time to “settle in” to the idea and lifestyle of orgasm control, chastity and (for us) FLR. But I’ve started seeing some really big changes in my thought processes and in my approach to many things. I hadn’t been able to put words to them yet. Thumper put many of those issues to rest in his notes. For example, this:
Belle is more than the controller of my orgasms, she becomes the proxy for most of my real-life erotic urges.
This has become the case for me as well. Sure, I love a great bit of Tumblr time, but the fact it, it all ends up back focused on Charmer. Charmer owns my own urges and desires and is the source and resolution to those. It’s a very nice feeling actually.
I don’t want to orgasm, but I desperately want to feel the desire to and that desire is totally focused on her.
This is SO hard to explain. People don’t believe it. Charmer doesn’t understand it entirely. I thrive on the desire. It helps fuel my work and personal days. It pushes me to do better things. It keeps me focused on her and that’s a great thing. I won’t entirely say that I never want to orgasm; I don’t know if I am there. But I do crave the feeling of not having orgasm’d recently and the periods between are powerful, powerful times. For us, it’s about orgasm control, not denial. But that control, and the longer-wait times (for me), are something I crave.
Beyond that, she’s the sole arbiter of when I even get to feel pleasure from the penis which is such a basic and foundationally wired thing for a guy.
I love the focus it brings. I love giving power over such a fundamental thing in my life. I’m also a big believer in chivalry, and I think this is a wicked-powerful extension of that. When you’re “all in” you hand over that control of your pleasure. That simple act governs choices and more. The choices thing is what makes me relate so much to Thumper’s post:
If one of the consequences of being otherwise very happily denied orgasm means I have this ostensibly unhealthy attachment to my wife, is that an acceptable negative for all the good we both feel comes from me not coming?
Yes. I don’t know that I can call it unhealthy. It’s an absolute, but I can’t see the downside. Since we’ve been more officially involved in all of this, I have changed. I fight travel. I fight long shifts (still, we have them with our own company, but I actively work to prevent and control or assign these). I make choices to spend time, rather than chase after something that demands attention but can be ignored or otherwise done. I’m not suggesting that I don’t function as a person in society, but I will say that decisions and options are heavily influenced by our lifestyle.
What I’ve been working through in my head is quite similar to what Thumper is feeling. Coming to the conclusion that you have this addiction to your other half is a startling thing to realize. It’s not bad, but it’s a strange thought.
But, really, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Your intimate relationships are meant to be hugely important. Critical to your life even. Honestly, I think too many people aren’t invested ENOUGH in their relationships and sometimes that fact is what we measure our own relationships against. That becomes the norm. Same with Kink. How many times do I have to wonder “is this normal?” as we explore this lifestyle?
When we have weird measuring sticks to work against, anything extreme seems, well, extreme.
I think, however, that a successful chastity relationship, or an orgasm control relationship, or an FLR or whatever your flavor is – one where the priority is your partner is a rare and wonderful thing. It’s something to be nurtured and polished and paid attention to.
I can’t imagine how it’s unhealthy. It’s a good thing for both of you and for your relationship. It’s one case where being not “normal” is a good thing in too many cases.
I suppose you could go overboard. I suppose there could be cases where you avoid life and work and literally everything else and are not functional as a person because of your attention on your relationship. That would be so extreme that it falls outside the realm of what we’re talking about here, though.
I don’t think the energy from denial and the focus on the other person is a bad thing. I think it’s pretty magical and extremely important, actually. I don’t feel it’s unhealthy. It may impact life that I have to deal with other ways, but if I’m erring on the side of my relationship with Charmer, attention to her and so-on, I’m pretty OK with that. I don’t think it rises to the level of unhealthy obsession.
Obsession, but not unhealthy obsession.
This is SO hard to explain. People don’t believe it. Charmer doesn’t understand it entirely. I thrive on the desire. It helps fuel my work and personal days. It pushes me to do better things. It keeps me focused on her and that’s a great thing. I won’t entirely say that I never want to orgasm; I don’t know if I am there. But I do crave the feeling of not having orgasm’d recently and the periods between are powerful, powerful times. For us, it’s about orgasm control, not denial. But that control, and the longer-wait times (for me), are something I crave.
That’s a really succinct explanation.
I’ve tried to explain this to Mrs Edge a few times, but without success. She enjoys the situation, of course, but the self denial aspect escapes her completely. I’ve stopped trying to explain it, and we just have fun now.
I absolutely adore this post, and have to make kazander read it (along with Thumper’s post, as well). And I also, have to compliment you on the way you’ve explained the desire to feel denied. It’s a difficult concept for a lot of keyholders, I think, to understand. I certainly don’t understand it completely, although kazander has done a marvelous job of trying to explain it.
But you mention the investment, and the way your partner becomes your focus, and I love that. So often, I find myself feeling pity for my vanilla friends. I hear them talk about their relationships and their marriages, and they just seem so flat and boring. It’s as if they’ve put the relationship on auto-pilot and turn their focus to their jobs, their kids, their finances, etc. And don’t get me wrong, jobs and kids and finances are important, and those things eat up quite a hefty chunk of time in my marriage, as well. But you explained it so perfectly, that you fight to spend that time with Charmer, you make her (and your relationship) a priority in your life, and you allow that to influence a lot of your life decisions. I think most vanilla people (in my own personal experience, anyway) do the opposite. And perhaps that’s part, even just a small part, of why so many marriages fail. That attention isn’t being paid to the partner, the way you pay attention to Charmer, and the way Thumper pays attention to Belle.
And I’m in no way implying that the responsibility for failing marriages falls solely (or even primarily) on a husband’s shoulders, on his refusal to make his wife a priority, the way you’ve done for Charmer, Thumper has done for Belle, and kazander has done for me. I’ve seen for myself that the attention and the focus needs to be mutual. And it is. The absolute devotion is mutual. The keyholder and the caged simply have different ways of expressing it. That’s what so many vanilla relationships lack.
I’m rambling. The point is that I love this post, and that I wholeheartedly agree with your thoughts on intimate relationships and the importance they should hold in our lives.
There is even a philosophical debate about this — between two French philosophers: Gilles Deleuze (1925-1995) and Michel Foucault (1926-1984).
Deleuze believed in or worked with DESIRE, while Foucault worked with PLEASURE. Deleuze and Foucault were friends, but disagreed on a certain number of things, one of which was the importance given to either “desire” (Deleuze) or “pleasure” (Deleuze).
I am on Deleuze’s side on this one. And in this discussion one can presume that pleasure means: orgasm.
THE PROBLEM WITH PLEASURE — AND THUS ORGASM — IS THAT IT PUTS AN END TO DESIRE, IT BRINGS DESIRE TO A SCREECHING HALT.
This is so at least for the man: an orgasm just put the breaks on desire. Not so with women, especially those who have mastered the art of multiple orgasms. Women have that ability to come and come and come (etc.) without their desire ever really flagging.
But for a man, his one shot orgasm just cuts him down. It cuts the ground from under him. While… the ability or the art NOT to orgasm will keep a man — it does keep me — within the gates of Heaven for what seems like forever.
As an emotion and as an experience. desire is so much stronger, so much more complex — deeper too — than pleasure. Pleasure is a fly by night experience