Back before I’d really started seriously into this lifestyle of FLR and Chastity with Charmer, I had read about people that had figured out how to control their orgasms (from the guy’s perspective).  I thought it was fascinating.

I also thought it was the stuff of fantasy. No way.

We had be going at it for nearly an hour now.  She’d managed to come several times and we were a hot, sweaty mess of lust.  We have a standing rule that I can’t come, unless she says so, and I can’t ask.  So she was using me, making me her toy, and I was there just for her.

Yeah.  Right.

I mean, come on.  Seriously?  Let’s face it, as a guy, our entire reason for being in life is to come.  Plain and simple.  Add to that that it’s all about the mechanics of the event.  If you provide enough friction, it’s all over.

But here’s the thing.  It really is possible.  It’s not the stuff of fantasy, it’s the stuff of learning your own responses.  But more importantly, it’s the stuff of it being about your partner.  That may sound corny, but when you get around that corner, the one where you change the goal from you to your partner, things begin to change.  If you add to that the mental “I can do this” and then managing your physical responses, magic happens.

As an aside, none of this is presented to make this sound absolute or easy or smug.  I had looked and searched quite a lot for information and thought I would share what I’m starting to get my head wrapped around.

Like I said, I’d read about this with amazement, but never really understood the “how” it all comes together.  I’m a bit of a “how does it work” kind of person, and specifics are few and far between. So I set out to see if it was really possible.  It is.

I’ve been slowly but steadily learning that there are a few different things that contribute to the control.

1. Change your focus.
2. Learn your body responses and counter measures (sounds, funny, but I’ll explain).
3. Believe that it’s possible.

Focus, Focus, Focus
The first is the most important.  You simply *must* change your focus. It has to be about them, not you.  You’re still allowed to have a great time.  You’ll still feel fulfilled.  In fact, you may find that it’s often as satisfying and greatly rewarding.  I’m not talking about where you simply never get to experience an orgasm.  I’m talking about orgasm control.  Not denial.  Sure, you could apply all the same things to denial, but that’s not our particular kink.  Ours is orgasm control – she gets to make the call, period.

None of this is to say you sacrifice your pleasure.  That’s really important.

Once your focus is changed, you’re more about making your partner feel amazing and less about racing to the almighty “O”.  I was astonished to find out that, at times, Charmer just wants to be still.  STILL! My god – all my life it’s about the exact opposite and Charmer wants to be still!  You’ll be amazed what you learn when you pay closer attention to every. single. detail.  And you’ll learn more, notice new things, each time.  Every time.

I think part of the benefit in the overall orgasm control thing is that you’re focused elsewhere, part is that you’re directing your lust out, instead of in, and part is that you’re a bit distracted (sort of like reciting baseball scores, but much, much more fun).  “whoa!  I didn’t know their face looked like that when it felt that good” – “Score!  I got eyes rolling up!” – The body responses you can bring out of your partner are amazing and wonderful.  Focus on them, learn what makes them happen and learn how to make them everything they can be.  Is one side more sensitive than the other?  Are certain combinations or techniques more intense than others?  It’s fabulous and wonderful to learn, and it is where your focus needs to be.  You’ll get there, when they say.  Until then, learn to enjoy the ride (pardon the pun).

Body Responses
All my life it’s been about pushing to get to the almighty orgasm.  Your body learns to emphasize any feeling that gets you closer to that goal.  Your brain responds, you tense up muscles in your groin, all in an effort to get there.  Sometimes, it’s almost like your pushing it out – trying to force it. A few things that work for me, of course your mileage may and will vary, but perhaps you can experiment.  Heck, experimentation is half (or more) of the fun!

– Edging
Edging is cool – but it gives you a chance to really focus on your responses.  Learn the tell-tale signs.  For me, I learned something huge.  I can really, really slow the process down, sometimes outright stop it by doing one thing.  Instead of internal focus on your groin, pull it up.  I remember several exercise videos where they talk about ab exercises.  One of the things they describe is imagining a string tied to your belly button, pulling it down to the floor.  It’s a compression of your abs.  (And no, you don’t need a six-pack to pull it off).  Do that.  Try it.  You may find that it helps control, or even erases the urgency.  Edging, done by someone who wants to understand your responses and wants to push you to the very… edge, can really help you learn about yourself.  It’s probably as close as we get (short of multiple ruined or the occasional multiples) to multiple orgasms.  Play with it, experiment, learn.  Apply the techniques when you’re with your partner.  The more I’ve done it, the better I have gotten at shutting down the march to orgasm.  I get to love every single second of all the lead up for so much longer and Charmer doesn’t seem to mind the better control, not one bit.

– Let Them Drive
Let them control the flow and activity.  You may learn, like I have, that time is their best friend.  While a guy’s main target is to race to the finish line, it may not be that way for your partner.  Let them drive and then talk about it after.  “Why did you do that?  Did it feel different?”  Bwahahahaha, you just learned something new for them next time or the time after.

– Chastity Devices
You knew I’d get here. Put it on.  Don’t take it off.  When it’s time to play, there’s no better way to keep your focus off you than to have it on.  Talk about a whole new set of feelings for you.  Talk about a perfect focus of attention for them.  Give it a try.  Oh, and yes, you’ll feel pressure.  Enjoy it.  It’s ok.  You don’t have to do this every time of course, but if you’re in a place where you want to really focus on them and learn, it is a great facilitator.

Believe That It’s Possible
I do think that some of this is in your head.  You have to believe you can do it, then go after it.  I’m not trying to make this clinical, not at all.  I don’t want you to sit and take notes or talk incessantly about it.  It’s not an excuse to go bug your partner because you “need more practice time.”  I do think that if you believe it can be done, and are willing to really start learning and paying attention, and enjoy the process of learning for both of you, you may be amazed.

One Final Note
One final thing to know – if your partner wants your orgasm, it’s theirs.  They’ll take it.  If they set out to get you to come, chances are they know all of YOUR buttons (or may be learning themselves) and can thwart your controls.  Might be more pressure, might be not slowing down, might be any number of things that they know are your “thing.”  It’s ok.  That’s also part of the game.  The question is, can you learn to control even through that?  If you can, you’ll enjoy it immensely because it’ll be incredibly intense to do so.

You can read more about this last thought about taking orgasms here in Charmer’s post.

If you’re so inclined, feel free to leave your own real-world techniques in the comments.