It can be tough to sustain any number of these lifestyle changes that we collectively write about in the “kink” world. I look around and it’s impossible not to see the blog carnage from those who start, then get swept up in life.
I think one of the things that we turn to some of these “activities” for (certainly chastity and FLR) is to reclaim our life a bit. We can all get so stuck in life that we run out of time. It seems that one of the first things to be sacrificed is our love life, our partner. We are in this together, so let’s stay busy on life to get through it… – but this can lead to giving up time and attention that relationships need.
For us, chastity has been a tool for communication, a tool for exploration and spotlight on the fact that we’re both interested in more. More time together, more attention to each other and more trying new things. It’s a been huge change in our lives, and it’s accentuated with FLR and changing that side of our lives as well.
Relationships take work (no big surprise there) and I think these activities re-focus you on your relationship and give a common thread to pay attention, experience new things and realize that all of that “stuff” was still there but sort of bubbling under the surface to be re-exposed. The stuff of dates, of time just being together and time helping the other person out.
The work of kink (no one likes to admit that there is work, but I would suggest that there certainly is), comes from having to redefine your roles a bit to fit with your own flavor of things you want to incorporate. Once you select how you think you want things to be, you have to try it, see what works, see what doesn’t and see what you want to add or change.
The energy of the relationship has to withstand this upheaval a bit. Once you get past the “holy cow, this is HOT!” stage of 24×7 interest, you see that there is much more here. The new communication, the new games, the new time, the new relationship structure is a huge bit of leverage for the rest of your life. It can help you work through things that come up, can help you better face challenges as a team, and yes, can attach a jet pack to your bedroom life.
Some interesting things that have happened to us:
- FLR has changed how we face questions and challenges. It’s eased the discussions on what our response is and how we face into the situation. Charmer still solicits my input by and large, but she’s responsible for most final decision points. It’s actually a small thing, since she’s not really into an Edict mentality, but it’s a structure to how we address things that come up.
- FLR has given me an excuse to be more actively involved around the house. I was never a “eh, it’s not my job” person around the house, but it’s given me an excuse to take away certain jobs that she has traditionally done just because. Now I get an excuse to take them over and it’s helped in her day and, I hope, in the overall running of the household.
- Chastity has given her all the control over the bedroom world. And we’ve discovered that she *loves* control. It’s also introduced new activities because we’re trying different things for each other, with each other. As was just mentioned in the Male Chastity Journal post, we’ve discovered there’s magic in paying dedicated attention to one another.
- Orgasm control is a cool off-shoot of this. Not that I don’t like to come, but there are so many other ways to play. Before, I dare say that all focus was on the almighty orgasm. One for me, one for you. [SSC: Seriously. It’s never really been one for me. 🙂] We’ve learned that so much more can be experienced and it’s because of “Nope, you’re not coming tonight, but BOY and I gonna have fun with you in other ways!“
We’re still learning about so many other things.
I write all of this because it’s SO important to keep pushing back against life. Keep pushing back against things that take away from your relationship time. As important as that thing is when it happens, deal with it, but keep time just as important in your mental schedule for each other. Explore, try things, incorporate things that make you pay attention, even when times get tougher. Chastity devices are GREAT for that. You can’t ignore it. It’s not going away and it keeps you talking.