All day she’d been teasing me, telling me that that night she’d be exercising her Domme side, something I was really looking forward to and, since it’d been so long since we’d had time to ourselves, I was also a bit anxious about just what that would be. We’ve recently decided to up the ante quite a lot on our D/s relationship and the FLR side as well. Something I’ve been working through, not perfectly, but working on it. It also lays entirely at her feet what happens, when, and at what level.
Charmer wrote earlier this week (link to the post) about my being a mouthy (in jest) sub and spanking.
We’ve not gotten much into impact play at all to-date (save for a few passing instances). So this was a first. For those of you who already have experienced this, you may be laughing by the end of this post, but I wanted to provide a look at my side of the scene, and the things that both were, and have been, going through my head.
About 3 weeks ago, I’d forgotten a house rule of CFNM. Essentially, I left off the NM part. Charmer came over, leaned down in what seemed like out of the blue and looked me square in the eye. “5 swats.” I didn’t even connect at first what she was talking about. “5 swats for not getting undressed like you’re supposed to.” My mind went into overdrive. First, she’d never done the whole spanking thing, and here I was with an instant 5 swats. Second, CRAP! I forgot to get undressed. and third, whut?! Spanked? I didn’t know, really, what that was like. After the initial wave of panic, I realized that another pressure was setting in. My cage was completely straining. What the hell?
Last week was off just enough to be annoying. None of it huge stuff, but it just added up like life usually does.
We own our own business and our daughter works for us. That’s a good thing for her and for us most of the time. However, when she isn’t happy at work, she has a tendency to come to me rather than Snake. Of course, I work from home and he is in the office. I try to sort things out without interfering (ha!). She wants me to talk to “Dad” and he expects her to behave like an adult and, yeah, you get the picture. So, there was that wonderful employee/family dynamic for a couple of days.
She was also recovering from an ear infection which just added to her unhappiness. And Snake and I were both feeling a bit of a drop from the previous weekend’s activities. Add all of it together and things were just stressful and annoying.
Saturday night we went dancing for a little while and then came home to watch relax with wine and TV. We watched several episodes of Sense8. Still have no real idea of what is going on, but really like it so far. And the rainbow-colored dildo from the first episode? Love it!
Anyway, Snake thought he would try to be pushy about playtime and I told him that he was being mouthy. He jokingly asked me what I was going to do about it. Seriously? I told him that I already owed him 5 swats with the paddle from a couple of weeks back. (I honestly couldn’t remember what he had done, just that I owed him the 5. Apparently it was because he didn’t undress when he came home.) He kept giving me a hard time, and as people following me on Twitter saw, I went off to deal with a mouthy sub.
We’ve been exploring more about sub-space – that place you can get to where the world melts away and all of a sudden the sensations change – often from pain to pleasure, or as we’ve just begun to understand, pleasure to more pleasure.
Last night was a further night of setting things straight. As we mentioned in the “reset” post, Charmer decided that things were just not where they needed to be, so she was resetting our D/s and FLR relationship. It included not coming for at least a couple (I suspect longer) of weeks, the chastity cage and some serious attitude adjustments.
Last night, she mentioned that she’d been building up a really strong Domme drive for several days. As we were driving out of the driveway for some things that we had to get done last night, she reached over, grabbed me by my cage and told me that after we got home, I was going to be restrained completely and she was going to torture and have her way with me. She couldn’t tell, but my cage was instantly full.
I had a hard time concentrating while we were out – it seemed like her Domme Eyes ™ were in full use all evening and each chance she had, she reminded me that I’d soon be locked in place for her entertainment. She didn’t disappoint.
It’s late on Sunday morning and thought I’d write a post about the last couple of days. Some life stuff, some kink stuff and just an all-around gorky happy post. Gorky? It’s a Snake household word. You know the sound a cat makes when it throws up? A little like “gork, gork, gork?” That is our expression when people are being super sweet and romantic and happy and everyone just wants to throw something at them.
I had been teasing Snake all week that our his to hers orgasms ration was way too high on his end. It was at 20:1 in favor of me. We’ve been really busy the last couple of weeks and play time has been a little scarce. Thursday night we had time and he did his best to fix those numbers. He gave me 17 very nice orgasms and two really epic ones. We have a rating system. You know–the whole 1-10 thing. Rarely there are a few in the 3-4 range. Mostly they are in the 7-9 range. However, sometimes there are the amazing 10s. Sometimes afterward I feel a little like a judge in a sporting event. Maybe we need to make some paddles. 🙂 He always knows when they are 10s, but asks anyway. He was a very good Snake on Thursday and managed two of those. Happy Thursday to me.
I thought I’d give my side of Snake’s post yesterday about learning what pushes his subby buttons. He mentioned his morning inspection, which is really more teasing than inspection, and the fantasy stories that he writes for me. I think last weekend was really what put him in his mental space this past week.
I am continuing to learn about what pushes my buttons in this new(er to us) lifestyle. I wrote before about the “subbie” energy and how, I believe, you pull it from the things that happen, and the relationship, rather than have it necessarily instilled in you by your Domme. I do think it’s comes from a whole range of things and I’m finding that it’s also a combination of things that really pushes things over the top. Do I love it when I’m pushed by Charmer to do things that I wouldn’t be otherwise doing? You bet. No question.
But I also love it when there are a bunch of little things that constantly keep pecking at the relationship.
There has been a lot of blogging lately about how subs can be made to feel submissive. Several people have talked about more discipline, several have talked about more verbal commands and Snake made his feelings known last week.
There are so many posts on what makes a Domme. If you do x, you aren’t really a Domme. If you don’t do x, you aren’t really a Domme. It’s the fantasy version of the woman in black leather holding handcuffs and a whip. It’s not reality. Sure, there is probably leather, handcuffs and whips in many of our arsenals. But I think those are tools, not the actual domination.
One of the things Charmer and I do to help in the communications area is to journal to each other every weekday. We have a private blog that we write posts on to each other. Mine are due by noon and hers include feedback and responses to mine, plus her own thoughts. It’s been an excellent tool, in a private, passworded forum.
One thing is abundantly clear. I overthink. And then I overthink some more. If you read my posts, you’d see that I’m constantly in a place where I’m asking things like
- Why does FLR feel “right?”
- Why does the chastity device cause goodsubbie feelings?
- …and why does that feel “right?”
- Why do I want to do X, Y or Z?
- Is liking the /s/ mentality a weakness? Strength? Is it OK?
- Why would someone do that?
- Why does this feel “right”
- What is causing such a strong draw to understand this thing or that thing?
It’s constant. From my feelings about D/s to how the FLR works to play time, I’m the one constantly trying to figure out the WHY or the feelings behind it. So much so that I’ve taken to exclaiming “(GAH!)” every time I write “the way I feel about this is…” It’s actually getting kind of comical. Charmer is left to remind me over and over “Does it matter why? Just let it be and go with it!” Not that she doesn’t care, not at all, just that I need to learn that some things just… are.
For example, if you’ve seen the Submissive Guy comics, I love ’em. They show how the character loves the dynamic of the relationship. It’s the whole point of the comics, really. Leave it to me to constantly question “but WHY does it (being the /s/ in this whole thing) feel right?” Of course I usually follow up with “Is that normal?” Then, for some reason I have to sit and analyze and think through and come up with my thoughts on why this-or-that may be happening.
Charmer? Not a chance. “Oh, I like when we try this or make these changes or add this to the FLR or that cage or…”
I see this on some other blogs too – one person is constantly in analysis mode, the other is just “eh, whatever.”
I think this may be one of the biggest impediments to FLR for people. We spend so much time fighting a tendency that we may have toward incorporating a female led relationship that we don’t give ourselves the chance to just let it be. I don’t know if it’s society that puts that pressure on, or our own thoughts and feelings (GAH!) or what it is, but it’s a pretty big leap, at least for me, to take.
In the last 16 or so months, I’ve worked quite hard to settle into the new dynamic. Every time I just go with it, it rolls along almost magically. It’s peaceful, it’s “right.” Then, when I realize it’s happening, I have to sit back and try to figure out why it would make such a difference in my mind and in our relationship. I can’t just let it be. I have yet to figure out the why. But that’s OK.
I love taking care of Charmer, making sure she has what she needs and letting her manage the house, our lives and such. She’s amazing at the juggling act it requires on the homefront. From family to our own hobbies to us. I feel like it’s my job to facilitate that and make that as doable as possible. When we’re both firing on all cylinders, there’s nothing quite like it.
And lately, as this all settles into place quite nicely, this happens much more often than not. That’s a pretty amazing place to be.
Now if I can just figure out why it took so long to figure out we needed this change. Any why we like it so much. And why it works so well…