When I walk in the door on Friday afternoon, you’re there to greet me. You have the grin on your face. The one that says you’re plotting and scheming and are in a place where you’re interested in one thing only – getting your way.
As I walk in you put your finger on my lips softly to shush me. You take my things, put them on the floor and proceed to undress me.
So, there I was. Flat on my back, raring to go. Charmer had that look in her eyes that she was really looking forward to being on top and I have to admit to loving it too.
I love that feeling when she sinks down on me, then just stops and lets things settle. I look forward to it, consciously, even when we’re apart. This time was no different. Except that it was different. As she lowered herself, my brain was screaming “YES! Here it comes!” but my body was reporting in that nothing was going on.
More often than not, when I am talking with someone about all this stuff we do, the conversation comes around to why denial would be something that would OK. Or, more accurately in our own case, “control” – neither of us are really into outright denial, but rather control and limited “release.” [SSC: Or rather, limits for you…] So many times people have talked to me and as we talk through it, they just have this bewildered look on their face.
Let’s face it, commonly it’s all about the “O” (hopefully for both parties) and it’s a race to get there. To change that up and completely manage or control, often without allowing one at a given time at all, is just a foreign concept. Add to that that many times I will pass on the opportunity willingly – and you get some really funny comments and feedback.
“But why? Why would you do this?”
[SSC: Just a warning….I was laughing so hard that I almost fell out of my chair when I was reading this. So fair warning: strap in…]
I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie “Inside Out” from Disney/Pixar – but if not, you may want to check it out. (Here’s a link to the trailer for context, it’s short and important for this post) It’s hysterically funny, and at the same time, shows the conversations that happen in our respective brains as life moves forward.
I had this type of conversation happen to me with Charmer and the only way I could describe it was in terms of the movie – for future reference, the characters in my head that were involved were:
Almost makes it sound scholarly, yes? “Attitudinal” – basically how to keep your head on straight when you have the chance to see how orgasms can impact your attitude.
My personal sweet spot is that span of time when subbie-mindset is in full swing and at the same time, I’m climbing the walls wanting to get playtime with Charmer. [SSC: Is there ever a time when that isn’t the case? I don’t remember any but they say that the mind is the first thing to go.] But I’ve come to learn too that that’s indeed impacted by those times when I’m allowed to have an orgasm, vs. those times when I’m denied.
Continue reading TIL: Attitudinal Cycles and Subbie Head-Space
It’s really strange to be “my age” and be learning big things about yourself. Sure, no one likes to stop learning and I hope that it never happens, but to be having these pretty surprising things come up over and over again is pretty cool and remarkable.
We’re wrapping up our time in Vegas – a mini-vacation as we head into what will surely be a great time of year for us and the family, but will just as surely be a stressful one. It’s great to get away and goof off and just relax a bit. Hey, I even won $14.50 today on a slot machine. Can’t complain.
You may be tired of having me write about O-control and what I learn, but this stuff, to me, is bordering on epiphany stuff. During this time in Vegas, Charmer has been messing with me in all sorts of ways. The first night out alone she flipped the “me, not you” switch and enforced the denial portion of our dynamic. But something is changing and this was the first time I’d seen this in myself.
Continue reading Continuing to Learn About Myself, Feeling a Bit Like a Puppet
Sitting here and waiting for breakfast to arrive while looking out at the Vegas strip. This has always been one of our favorite places to visit. When we were in college, it was only a five hour drive so we would come early Friday morning and go back on Sunday a few times a year. Of course, that was when we stayed in the $29 per night more-than-a-little-scary motels.
As most of you know, Snake has been caged and chaste since July 23rd. I decided that he needed an extended period of time locked to put him back into his subby mindset. He wrote about it here. Since then, he has one ruined and quite a bit of playtime with me on him, but no orgasms. The earliest date that he was going to be allowed to come was September 7th, but because of circumstances, last night was *the night*.
It started off as a pretty average Wednesday night around here. We went to our dance lesson, which we rocked, came home and had dinner and I had a bath. After the last two nights of being denied, I’m pretty sure that he was expecting it again last night. Have to keep the boy guessing…
Continue reading The Song That Kept Looping Through My Brain…
All day she’d been teasing me, telling me that that night she’d be exercising her Domme side, something I was really looking forward to and, since it’d been so long since we’d had time to ourselves, I was also a bit anxious about just what that would be. We’ve recently decided to up the ante quite a lot on our D/s relationship and the FLR side as well. Something I’ve been working through, not perfectly, but working on it. It also lays entirely at her feet what happens, when, and at what level.
This is going to be a non-kinky post–sorry, guys. It’s a bit of an update and some random thoughts so proceed at your own peril…
Back in May, I mentioned trying to run. The challenge was an Army Bootcamp one and running was a huge part of it. I did it, but I hated it. And everything hurt. My body just really doesn’t like running. I can hike for hours. Snake and I do competitive dance so we take lessons and practice for 4-5 hours per week. Running and I just are never going to be besties.
Last week was off just enough to be annoying. None of it huge stuff, but it just added up like life usually does.
We own our own business and our daughter works for us. That’s a good thing for her and for us most of the time. However, when she isn’t happy at work, she has a tendency to come to me rather than Snake. Of course, I work from home and he is in the office. I try to sort things out without interfering (ha!). She wants me to talk to “Dad” and he expects her to behave like an adult and, yeah, you get the picture. So, there was that wonderful employee/family dynamic for a couple of days.
She was also recovering from an ear infection which just added to her unhappiness. And Snake and I were both feeling a bit of a drop from the previous weekend’s activities. Add all of it together and things were just stressful and annoying.
Saturday night we went dancing for a little while and then came home to watch relax with wine and TV. We watched several episodes of Sense8. Still have no real idea of what is going on, but really like it so far. And the rainbow-colored dildo from the first episode? Love it!
Anyway, Snake thought he would try to be pushy about playtime and I told him that he was being mouthy. He jokingly asked me what I was going to do about it. Seriously? I told him that I already owed him 5 swats with the paddle from a couple of weeks back. (I honestly couldn’t remember what he had done, just that I owed him the 5. Apparently it was because he didn’t undress when he came home.) He kept giving me a hard time, and as people following me on Twitter saw, I went off to deal with a mouthy sub.
On a pretty much impromptu decision, we decided we were going to have the weekend night (Friday) free and wanted to have a mini-vacation. We picked one of our favorite spots here in town and managed to get a reservation at the very last minute for one of the rooms that is a separate, stand-alone mini-house/apartment. It has all the features of home, a small kitchen, nice digs. It also has our favorite feature, the terrace.
We’ve been exploring more about sub-space – that place you can get to where the world melts away and all of a sudden the sensations change – often from pain to pleasure, or as we’ve just begun to understand, pleasure to more pleasure.
