There have been a few different posts by other bloggers lately talking about their desire to re-acquire that submissive feelings and attitude they crave. The blogs are extremely popular and are amazing resources. I have HUGE respect for these blogs and mean no ill-intent at all in this post. This is just my take and my thoughts on the topic.
I read these posts with great interest. I have to admit, I also read them and reacted one way initially, another way after having thought about it some more, and then have settled into a pretty surprising realization in yet another direction since. Talk about food for thought.
It’s has even lead to several discussions between Charmer and myself about this.
On the face of it, it seems like they’re demanding how they want their Dominant to act toward them. In my opinion, they’re essentially topping from the bottom on how they want the Dominant to act.
The general gist of the posts was talking about how their Domme (the lead posters are both male subs) needs to step up her declarations of power over them. They were saying that those displays of power (telling them what to do, being more clear on their dominance, etc.) were what they needed from the relationship so they could feel that submissive feeling.
For me, this is the wrong approach to getting this feeling of being the /s/ in the relationship. I have found that when I look for the guidance, for things like “orders” or more stringent interactions, while they’re there, it’s not where I draw my submissive energy from in the relationship.
I try really hard to draw my energy from her feelings, not her actions. If I’m doing everything I can to help out, to give her what she needs, etc, she’ll be in a great place. If I respond to requests quickly, always open doors, do all of those things (chivalry, helping, doing my part, taking things off her plate of stuff to be done), she’ll be happy with the help, happy with the situation. THAT drives my subbie buttons.
It’s not really her standing over me demanding things. It’s a feeling of knowing what I can do to help her. To do things for her. A perfect example is baths. I draw her bath, get her a drink, her kindle, make sure she has bath bombs, towels, etc. She gets time to read and I get time to get the bedroom ready for bed time. I draw a lot of /s/ energy from that, knowing that I just know how to help her.
I don’t think it’s the responsibility of the dominant partner to find things to demand. To find things to force their dominance on you about. I think it’s their place to indicate what they need, to deal with it if it’s not done (or done to their liking), and to make decisions, choose direction, etc. Those are FLR and D/s things that are clearly in their wheelhouse. But I don’t think they have to constantly be looking for ways to flex their muscles just to generate /s/ feelings for the submissive partner. I think that’s unrealistic.
Again, this is just my experience, but it’s important to draw energy from their feelings, not their actions. How do they feel? How do they like how you’re doing things, how things are set up? You can draw incredible energy from that and I think that’s a much better place to get the energy.
I saw a post a while ago where one person was coaching another just getting rolling with D/s dynamics. The important take-away was one quote that “it’s not about you.” (paraphrased) – it’s not about the submissive partner, me. It IS about the dominant partner, in my case, her. I have to keep that in mind, and keep that as my goal. Then, when I succeed at that goal, I get the reward of the wonderful submissive warm and fuzzies.