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Who’s Watching the Watchers?

The communication gamification post the other day prompted some nice comments, but one in particular has stuck with me all week.  Trying to figure out how to explain a bit more about our dynamic (Charmer and Mine) and how it all works, without hanging her (or the commenter) out to dry.

Some background first that might help – Charmer and I have been married for a loooooooooong time.  Like nearly 30 years.  Together for even longer.  [SSC:  You mean we didn’t get married before we dated?]   In that time, we’ve developed a pretty solid relationship, we’ve been through some really incredibly great highs and lows that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  OK, perhaps that’s not entirely true, I actually would like to wish some of them on my worst enemy, but that sounds bad, so I’ll just leave it at that.  [SSC:  For the record, I would totally wish them on him.]

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On Being Horngry

Denial and orgasm control are funny things.  With a cage, enforced chastity becomes a thing of power exchange and control.  She holds the power to grant or deny orgasms, period.  Yes, I realize it doesn’t *require* a cage, but I can tell you in times when the “game is afoot,” it sure makes things more clear.

I had a weird experience this last weekend in terms of learning to work through this whole control and power exchange thing we do.  We’d had a great day on Saturday, a lazy, relaxing evening and were just basically lounging around doing nothing in particular.  [SSC:  I was, however, sitting in a tight pair of jeans and knee-high boots that were driving him a little crazy.]   When we did retire for the evening, Charmer decided to punish me for being to suggestive throughout the day.  I was pretty surprised by this – but I couldn’t honestly tell if it was punishment, excuse or teasing.  Turns out it was more teasing than anything, but it sure worked.

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Can’t, Won’t, Don’t Wanna and Fear of the Unknown

Over at the Male Chastity Journal, Lion wrote about “Can’t and Won’t” – and specifically how enforced chastity has applied to their lives.  I thought it was really interesting to see the distinction between the two… and it got me thinking about how many things I’ve personally seen go from can’t to won’t to can to simply “yes, please.”  It’s a different view on Can’t and Won’t, but it’s just how my brain works. 🙂

While this doesn’t apply only to enforced chastity, when Charmer and I started our journey, we sheepishly stumbled into chastity and I read up all I could.  I tore through Thumper’s blog and I’m Hers and so many others.  I read and studied (sorry, it’s what I do) and tried to learn what was fantasy, what was real.  [SSC:  Yes, believe me, he did.  I think he would have done a report with citations if he thought that I would have read it. ]  I wondered if it was really possible chastity and this new approach to being a couple could really have the impact these blogs talk about.

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Sub-Blocked

All day she’d been teasing me, telling me that that night she’d be exercising her Domme side, something I was really looking forward to and, since it’d been so long since we’d had time to ourselves, I was also a bit anxious about just what that would be.  We’ve recently decided to up the ante quite a lot on our D/s relationship and the FLR side as well.  Something I’ve been working through, not perfectly, but working on it.  It also lays entirely at her feet what happens, when, and at what level.

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6.5 Things You MUST Do As A Submissive

I’ve seen a whole series of articles and posts going around talking about what’s required to be a Dom(me).  Of course the articles are all about the fact that there simply is not a “one true path” to being a Dom(me) but more of a mindset that you make your own.

There is so much information “out there” that gives rules on what is, and is not, truly fulfilling that role.  From what you need to be thinking to how you are with your partners and submissive partners.  Needless to say, it’s all bunk.  The only way this can work is if you make it your own. There are infinite flavors and infinite ideas on what you may find appealing.  Need inspiration?  Everything from Fetlife to amazing writers (looking at you Domme Chronicles and so many more) that talk about so many aspects of things to think about.

But that’s not what this post is about.

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Zombie Plan Update…

This is going to be a non-kinky post–sorry, guys.   It’s a bit of an update and some random thoughts so proceed at your own peril…

Back in May, I mentioned trying to run.  The challenge was an Army Bootcamp one and running was a huge part of it.  I did it, but I hated it.  And everything hurt.  My body just really doesn’t like running.  I can hike for hours.  Snake and I do competitive dance so we take lessons and practice for 4-5 hours per week.  Running and I just are never going to be besties.

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Rising and Falling Submissive Headspace

I’m constantly amazed at how well Charmer has come to know me.  I keep thinking I’m getting a handle on managing how I present myself and she spins right around and reads me like a book.  I don’t think I’m this big mysterious person, but how she sees me and the ways she responds are on point.

Last weekend I lost my head.  There’s really no other way to put it.  A whole bunch of stuff from a whole lot of directions was capped off with surprise situation.  I came unglued a bit (!) and it made for a very bumpy few days while I tried to back pedal and make up for stupid things going on in my head.  The details aren’t important, but then in our writings this week, the question, out of the blue she asked…

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Mouthy Subs and Spankings

Last week was off just enough to be annoying.  None of it huge stuff, but it just added up like life usually does.

We own our own business and our daughter works for us.  That’s a good thing for her and for us most of the time.  However, when she isn’t happy at work, she has a tendency to come to me rather than Snake.  Of course, I work from home and he is in the office.  I try to sort things out without interfering (ha!).  She wants me to talk to “Dad” and he expects her to behave like an adult and, yeah, you get the picture.  So, there was that wonderful employee/family dynamic for a couple of days.

She was also recovering from an ear infection which just added to her unhappiness.  And Snake and I were both feeling a bit of a drop from the previous weekend’s activities.  Add all of it together and things were just stressful and annoying.

Saturday night we went dancing for a little while and then came home to watch relax with wine and TV.  We watched several episodes of Sense8.  Still have no real idea of what is going on, but really like it so far.  And the rainbow-colored dildo from the first episode?  Love it!

Anyway, Snake thought he would try to be pushy about playtime and I told him that he was being mouthy.  He jokingly asked me what I was going to do about it.  Seriously?  I told him that I already owed him 5 swats with the paddle from a couple of weeks back.  (I honestly couldn’t remember what he had done, just that I owed him the 5.  Apparently it was because he didn’t undress when he came home.)   He kept giving me a hard time, and as people following me on Twitter saw, I went off to deal with a mouthy sub.

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She Got Her Domme On…

Last night was a further night of setting things straight.  As we mentioned in the “reset” post, Charmer decided that things were just not where they needed to be, so she was resetting our D/s and FLR relationship.  It included not coming for at least a couple (I suspect longer) of weeks, the chastity cage and some serious attitude adjustments.

Last night, she mentioned that she’d been building up a really strong Domme drive for several days.  As we were driving out of the driveway for some things that we had to get done last night, she reached over, grabbed me by my cage and told me that after we got home, I was going to be restrained completely and she was going to torture and have her way with me.  She couldn’t tell, but my cage was instantly full.

I had a hard time concentrating while we were out – it seemed like her Domme Eyes ™ were in full use all evening and each chance she had, she reminded me that I’d soon be locked in place for her entertainment.  She didn’t disappoint.

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Charmer Gets to Play

Since our Memorial Day game, we have had several people asking about the rules and points for our games.  We have basically have two different modes for our game.  One is a 14 day rolling window for Snake to accumulate points to be eligible for an orgasm.  The second is simply challenges that I throw out for a specific period of time.  If he reaches the goal on specific challenges, he gets to add to his point value for the 14 day regular game.  If he doesn’t, he loses points from the game.

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The Power of Chastity, Orgasm Control

I was reading Thumper’s post today about “High Anxiety” and it really struck a nerve.  A good nerve.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the impact of chastity and giving over control.  Even with my recent issues with Edema, my mindset is still one of her controlling the whole orgasm side of things.  I just wouldn’t have it any other way.  We’ll get the device issues sorted.

He also talks about increasing concerns when Thumper and Belle are apart.  I’m not a fan of anxiety, not at all, but this is an artifact of an intense and excellent relationship.  All IMHO of course, but I wanted to throw my hat in the ring on his post because I feel many very similar things going on in  my head/life/relationship and his post really gave my thoughts “legs. ”

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Memorial Day Weekend Game

Just a quick post to let you know what Snake will be doing this weekend.  In celebration of National Masturbation Month, he gets to, well, masturbate. Within the rules of the game, of course.

We have an ongoing point game where he earns points with various “implements” and actions in order to get bonus orgasms.  This is a mini game to allow him to add or subtract points from his tally.  His running goal is 2200 points within the last 14 days.

Between tonight and Monday night, he needs to come 12 times.  He has to do it in front of me and he has to keep his eyes open and on me.  If he wants me to do it, he only gets half credit.

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The Legend of Orgasm Control

Back before I’d really started seriously into this lifestyle of FLR and Chastity with Charmer, I had read about people that had figured out how to control their orgasms (from the guy’s perspective).  I thought it was fascinating.

I also thought it was the stuff of fantasy. No way.

We had be going at it for nearly an hour now.  She’d managed to come several times and we were a hot, sweaty mess of lust.  We have a standing rule that I can’t come, unless she says so, and I can’t ask.  So she was using me, making me her toy, and I was there just for her.

Yeah.  Right.

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What Makes FLR Work?

FLR (Female-Led Relationship, or FLM Female-Led Marriage) is essentially a power exchange arrangement.  I have thought a lot (probably too much) about why this is cool, why it pushes buttons for people, what they get out of it, etc.

Aside from the power trip of being in charge, why is this associated with sexual control too?  I realize that most FLR sites are going to tell you that FLR isn’t about sexual stuff. It’s about being in charge, being in control, etc.  But the fact is, many guys crave it.  Many relationships thrive with it.  Have you thought about why?

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FLR in Daily Life

It can be tough to sustain any number of these lifestyle changes that we collectively write about in the “kink” world.  I look around and it’s impossible not to see the blog carnage from those who start, then get swept up in life.

I think one of the things that we turn to some of these “activities” for (certainly chastity and FLR) is to reclaim our life a bit.  We can all get so stuck in life that we run out of time.  It seems that one of the first things to be sacrificed is our love life, our partner.  We are in this together, so let’s stay busy on life to get through it… – but this can lead to giving up time and attention that relationships need.

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Our Version of Dominance and Submission

There has been a lot of blogging lately about how subs can be made to feel submissive.  Several people have talked about more discipline, several have talked about more verbal commands and Snake made his feelings known last week.

There are so many posts on what makes a Domme.  If you do x, you aren’t really a Domme.  If you don’t do x, you aren’t really a Domme.  It’s the fantasy version of the woman in black leather holding handcuffs and a whip.  It’s not reality.  Sure, there is probably leather, handcuffs and whips in many of our arsenals.  But I think those are tools, not the actual domination.

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Submission, and Demanding More From Your Dominant Partner

There have been a few different posts by other bloggers lately talking about their desire to re-acquire that submissive feelings and attitude they crave.  The blogs are extremely popular and are amazing resources.  I have HUGE respect for these blogs and mean no ill-intent at all in this post.  This is just my take and my thoughts on the topic.

I read these posts with great interest.  I have to admit, I also read them and reacted one way initially, another way after having thought about it some more, and then have settled into a pretty surprising realization in yet another direction since.  Talk about food for thought.

It’s has even lead to several discussions between Charmer and myself about this.

On the face of it, it seems like they’re demanding how they want their Dominant to act toward them.  In my opinion, they’re essentially topping from the bottom on how they want the Dominant to act.

The general gist of the posts was talking about how their Domme (the lead posters are both male subs) needs to step up her declarations of power over them.  They were saying that those displays of power (telling them what to do, being more clear on their dominance, etc.) were what they needed from the relationship so they could feel that submissive feeling.

For me, this is the wrong approach to getting this feeling of being the /s/ in the relationship.  I have found that when I look for the guidance, for things like “orders” or more stringent interactions, while they’re there, it’s not where I draw my submissive energy from in the relationship.

I try really hard to draw my energy from her feelings, not her actions.  If I’m doing everything I can to help out, to give her what she needs, etc, she’ll be in a great place.  If I respond to requests quickly, always open doors, do all of those things (chivalry, helping, doing my part, taking things off her plate of stuff to be done), she’ll be happy with the help, happy with the situation.  THAT drives my subbie buttons.

It’s not really her standing over me demanding things.  It’s a feeling of knowing what I can do to help her.  To do things for her.  A perfect example is baths.  I draw her bath, get her a drink, her kindle, make sure she has bath bombs, towels, etc.  She gets time to read and I get time to get the bedroom ready for bed time.  I draw a lot of /s/ energy from that, knowing that I just know how to help her.

I don’t think it’s the responsibility of the dominant partner to find things to demand.  To find things to force their dominance on you about.  I think it’s their place to indicate what they need, to deal with it if it’s not done (or done to their liking), and to make decisions, choose direction, etc.  Those are FLR and D/s things that are clearly in their wheelhouse.  But I don’t think they have to constantly be looking for ways to flex their muscles just to generate /s/ feelings for the submissive partner.  I think that’s unrealistic.

Again, this is just my experience, but it’s important to draw energy from their feelings, not their actions.  How do they feel?  How do they like how you’re doing things, how things are set up?  You can draw incredible energy from that and I think that’s a much better place to get the energy.

I saw a post a while ago where one person was coaching another just getting rolling with D/s dynamics.  The important take-away was one quote that “it’s not about you.”  (paraphrased) – it’s not about the submissive partner, me.  It IS about the dominant partner, in my case, her.  I have to keep that in mind, and keep that as my goal.  Then, when I succeed at that goal, I get the reward of the wonderful submissive warm and fuzzies.

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Why Do I Analyze So Much?

One of the things Charmer and I do to help in the communications area is to journal to each other every weekday.  We have a private blog that we write posts on to each other. Mine are due by noon and hers include feedback and responses to mine, plus her own thoughts.  It’s been an excellent tool, in a private, passworded forum.

One thing is abundantly clear.  I overthink.  And then I overthink some more.  If you read my posts, you’d see that I’m constantly in a place where I’m asking things like

  • Why does FLR feel “right?”
  • Why does the chastity device cause goodsubbie feelings?
    • …and why does that feel “right?”
  • Why do I want to do X, Y or Z?
  • Is liking the /s/ mentality a weakness?  Strength?  Is it OK?
  • Why would someone do that?
  • Why does this feel “right”
  • What is causing such a strong draw to understand this thing or that thing?
  • EGAD!

It’s constant.  From my feelings about D/s to how the FLR works to play time, I’m the one constantly trying to figure out the WHY or the feelings behind it.  So much so that I’ve taken to exclaiming “(GAH!)” every time I write “the way I feel about this is…”  It’s actually getting kind of comical.  Charmer is left to remind me over and over “Does it matter why?  Just let it be and go with it!”  Not that she doesn’t care, not at all, just that I need to learn that some things just… are.

For example, if you’ve seen the Submissive Guy comics, I love ’em.  They show how the character loves the dynamic of the relationship.  It’s the whole point of the comics, really.  Leave it to me to constantly question “but WHY does it (being the /s/ in this whole thing) feel right?”   Of course I usually follow up with “Is that normal?”  Then, for some reason I have to sit and analyze and think through and come up with my thoughts on why this-or-that may be happening.

Charmer?  Not a chance.  “Oh, I like when we try this or make these changes or add this to the FLR or that cage or…”

I see this on some other blogs too – one person is constantly in analysis mode, the other is just “eh, whatever.”

I think this may be one of the biggest impediments to FLR for people.  We spend so much time fighting a tendency that we may have toward incorporating a female led relationship that we don’t give ourselves the chance to just let it be.  I don’t know if it’s society that puts that pressure on, or our own thoughts and feelings (GAH!) or what it is, but it’s a pretty big leap, at least for me, to take.

In the last 16 or so months, I’ve worked quite hard to settle into the new dynamic.  Every time I just go with it, it rolls along almost magically.  It’s peaceful, it’s “right.”   Then, when I realize it’s happening, I have to sit back and try to figure out why it would make such a difference in my mind and in our relationship.  I can’t just let it be.  I have yet to figure out the why.  But that’s OK.

I love taking care of Charmer, making sure she has what she needs and letting her manage the house, our lives and such.  She’s amazing at the juggling act it requires on the homefront.  From family to our own hobbies to us.  I feel like it’s my job to facilitate that and make that as doable as possible.  When we’re both firing on all cylinders, there’s nothing quite like it.

And lately, as this all settles into place quite nicely, this happens much more often than not.  That’s a pretty amazing place to be.

Now if I can just figure out why it took so long to figure out we needed this change.  Any why we like it so much.  And why it works so well…

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Player Substitution

Snake has been completely overwhelmed by work this week.  His Muggle life is very busy on a regular basis since we own our own business, but this week has included an event that just pushed everything even more.  Adding to our usual dance classes, stuff around the house and his father trying to make him feel guilty and he just hasn’t had time to post.  So I thought I’d give everyone a quick update.

His PA is healing so well that he is making me jealous.  When I got my belly button pierced, it got infected and it was six months before I was supposed to change the jewelry.  In my daily inspection of the PA, I can see that it is really already healed.  Excluding a couple of times that the ring got turned sideways, he hasn’t had any discomfort in over a week.  And today is the two week mark.

His Steelheart has shipped and should be here very soon.  We figured out that he has been in some sort of chastity device since December 2013 with just a few breaks for trips.  He’s really noticing the “off” feeling of being free while he’s been healing and is definitely looking forward to getting locked up again.  I told him that he had to strip when he was home and no one else was around to try to get some of the subby feelings back.  It has helped but it just isn’t the same.  But, even when he is locked up again, I decided the clothes-free zone will continue.  It gives me more opportunities to play…

Watching his dad work his way through getting older, we have decided that we will never get old.  We might get older, but we will continue to try new things and be adventurous.  We know that his stepmom quilts a lot and loves to bake.  We have no idea what his dad does all day.  Other than nap.  And apparently wait for Snake  to come for lunch once a week.  Snake cancelled on them, for one of the first times ever, due to work.  Snake could just feel the waves of disappointment from them.

They are snowbirds and we are their winter home.  After Snake’s mom died, his dad married someone he had known since high school.  She had stayed there and he had a house here.  They decided to split their time in the different climates.  During the “summer” half, they have friends who are all retired.  They can go to each other’s houses and eat pie and chat every night.  We have jobs and other commitments.  It makes them feel ignored because sitting in a circle and eating pie while talking constantly is not our thing and not possible with life and responsibilities we have.

We also won’t go to church with them.  His father never went until he remarried but now has decided that his greatest failure was not instilling this in his children.   Snake is one of the most moral people I have ever met.  We’re just not religious.  Church has become their thing.  I respect that.  He just doesn’t respect that it isn’t ours.  Our daughter went to visit them about a year and a half ago.  They took her to their church where the entire sermon was about how young people need to go to church and be part of that community.  She was the only person under 50 in the place.  It certainly wasn’t directed at her.  🙂

I often wonder how Snake came from his family.  He is more liberal than when we first met but his parents were prudes.  I came from the family where just about anything was ok as long as you paid your own way and didn’t hurt anyone.  Snake’s mother redacted the book “Airport” before he could read it because “the sex scenes didn’t add anything to the plot.”  My mother let me read anything and just told me to ask questions if I didn’t understand something. Snake’s dad gave him a talk about STDs and told him to “keep it zipped.”  My mom took me to get on the pill. It’s a wonder I didn’t fry Snake’s brain more than I did when we started dating.

You can just imagine the reactions that our daughter has gotten from his family at large to her piercings, tattoos and sexual “phase” (she’s bi, must be a “phase” according to them).  You would think we had raised the next Hannibal at the beginning.  🙂  I think there is hope for them, though.  They have started spending time with her alone and I think they have realized that she is really epic.  I just don’t think Snake will be sharing news of his PA anytime soon.

I guess all of that is really to say that I have an amazing husband.  He takes care of his parents, he takes care of his children, he takes care of me and he takes care of his employees.  We are best friends, business partners and kinky lovers. The more we push, the more we want to do.  And we’ll leave the getting old and naps to other people.

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For the Win

Just to put it out there–I am competitive.  I can hear Snake snorting while he reads this because if there is an overly competitive person in this relationship, it is me.

I’ve never been sporty so I’ve always had to find other outlets.  School was easy.  I became Valedictorian to win.  If Snake and I have ridiculous arguments, they are usually having to do with winning.  In college, the game Othello almost ended our relationship several times because I could never win that stupid game.  Even now, my family tries to ply me with alcohol for a chance to win You Don’t Know Jack.

Snake and I took up dancing as an empty nest social activity.  We wanted to learn to dance so we could go out and feel comfortable.  No, we don’t want to compete.  Yeah, right.  Less than four months in I had started plotting competitions and shows.  And, of course, it isn’t just one dance.  It is six different ones and a group piece.  I never do things slowly.

The point of all of this is the sexual side of things.  I am constantly competing with myself.  I edged him x number of times last week so I want more this week.  If I can ruin one orgasm, can I ruin three?  (Yes, I can.)  It’s always more, better, faster, longer with me.

Not that Snake is without his own competitiveness.  If I have fewer orgasms in one session, he always wants to know if he did something wrong or could do something better.  And he pushes his limits with me as well.

Before he decided to get his PA, Snake did enough research to become an expert on everything except how he himself would react.  It was planned for the end of the week so he wouldn’t have problems at work and a Steelheart was ordered so it would arrive about the end of his healing period.  Everyone said it would be about four weeks to heal.  So, of course, he had to do better than that.  🙂

As he has written, he had very little pain or bleeding.  It also wasn’t tender at all.  So, on Friday, I thought I’d play a little.  He tried to distract me, but that never works when I’m on a mission.  To his surprise and my glee, it not only didn’t hurt but felt really good.  Good enough that he got his orgasm about three weeks earlier than he thought he would.

Not that he should get his hopes up that anything has really changed for his chastity.  But, Friday night, I won.

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What I’ve Learned So Far

I’m by no means an expert.  I look at where I have to go, and where others are, and I’m in awe of their devotion to their partner.  I’m Hers, Thumper and several others show just how important, and how hard, it is to be in the right mind set.  To be aware of the change in lifestyle, when you go the FLR/M route.

For us, it started as play time.  It started wanting to experience more and to try new things.  I’m sure over time we’ll get into the steps along the way to get where we are, and will be talking about where we’d like to go.  But right now, I’m fascinated by the changes to date in our now-33+ year relationship.

I’ve really struggled with the term “submissive.”  I’ve never seen myself as submitting – in fact I’m an alpha in nearly every bit of my life… except at home.  I don’t consider myself a switch, and I’ve come to understand a different kind of inner “peace” (how cliche’ is that?) with the /s/ side of me.  But still, that word.  Submissive.  It has such meaning – you “submit” to so someone by giving in.  You “submit” to someone for their approval, for their acceptance, for their OK to continue.

But with this lifestyle, and I’m talking FLR stuff at the moment, with a healthy dose of D/s, it is one of the hardest things for me to say about myself.  I’m a submissive.  Not in a “I’m less than she is” way, but in a choice way.  I am hers and I try to make things I do, for her.  I see it really as a license to invoke chivalry.  I love that thought.  The idea that I get to hold doors, put her coat on for her, take it off when she doesn’t need it, take care of her… it’s magic.

We continue to define how we interact.  In the bedroom, in our lives, in our hobbies.  The whole lifestyle has infiltrated most areas now (it’s been 16 months since we started in earnest, Thanksgiving-ish of 2013).  Decisions are hers, with input from me.  We love each other very much and are respectful, even when playing.  She’s a natural Domme and I have come to know and understand that I’m naturally submissive in so many of these areas.

This blog will be about all of that.  And more.  The mind games that come from it for me (and for her) are intriguing and fascinating.  Getting used to things.  Trying things.  Yes, submitting.  This blog will go into that, talk about those things, my experiences, hopefully her experiences as well, and try to share  just a bit about our lives in this corner of the universe.

~Steeled Snake