Love a great mix of leather and lace – so much fun. Definitely playing with fire. 🙂
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Communication Gamification
I had a bit of a realization today. Might even border on epiphany.
You always hear people *say* that chastity and FLR and these assorted things we all collectively do tend to have a generally positive impact on relationships. As a matter of record, this has been extraordinarily true in our own case – having had a profound impact on our own lives together (for the record, for the better).
But I can’t help wondering why. Why does putting a piece of steel around your privates, locking it down and handing over the key change a relationship, sometimes shaking it to the core? How does that “fix” communication issues and “fix” other issues going on?*
* It doesn’t, of course, automatically fix mortally wounded relationships. It’s been said before, but it can be a catalyst-type of event, but it doesn’t fix a broken relationship. It can represent a change in approach, a turning point. But if there are underlying issues, those aren’t going to go away with a padlock. More on this here.
I think I have a clue about this – an idea of at least one significant thing that gets rolling when you do this stuff. I suspect, depending on the type of play you get interested in, it can have a more or less profound impact, but for the sake of this post, let’s go with enforced chastity, D/s and FLR. Yes, I realize those are huge areas, but bear with me a bit.
Sinful Sunday
First Sinful Sunday post… 🙂
Memorial Day Weekend Game – Results
It was quite the game – if you missed it, Charmer decided that I would have to “perform” for her to earn points, and if I didn’t make the goal, I would lose points.
Our points are associated with a game we’ve created that assigns points to different activities. Those points are used to determine whether I’m eligible for (but doesn’t obligate Charmer to have) playtime. Since she makes the call anyway, it’s really just my eligibility. I have to maintain a 1750 point value over the last 14 days (recalculated daily) in order to be eligible. Points get awarded for challenges (like this specific game) or things like wearing plugs (different points for different sizes), etc.
Super secret identity and communities
As Snake and I were lying in bed this morning, he made a comment about his PA still healing a little and I laughed and said he didn’t really have anyone here to talk to about it unfortunately. Then he laughed and said he really couldn’t talk to people he knows about a lot of things in our lives. And so my brain went on…
Like all of us, we have a normal muggle life. It takes up most of our days and nights. We have a business, we have friends, we have kids, we have Snake’s father and stepmother, etc., etc., etc. Amazingly, excluding the usual jokes and innuendos, we don’t discuss sex with them.
It Was Vibrating (and not what you may think)
Friday was a mind-fuck of the first degree. Let me rewind a bit…
At bath-time, I drew her bath, did the usual bath bomb, kindle, drink, etc. Nothing unusual really. It was later at night, but it was Friday so…
As she was settling in, my instructions were pretty clear. “Cage on, fully clean.” We haven’t come up with a euphemism yet for for “um, yeah. Butt stuff. Make it so.” Perhaps we’ll start with that.
Continue reading It Was Vibrating (and not what you may think)
Do you ever wonder? Are we alone? (Random Thoughts)
Not in a space alien way (although that finger on E.T. is suspicious), but in a kink-way.
Do you ever find yourself people-watching and wonder “hey, I wonder if they do fun kinky stuff?”
I find myself wondering this a lot more than I probably should. For us, we’ve had inklings about being a bit more on the fringes all along, but never embraced and really explored “this whole thing.*” So I look around and see these people who seem vanilla and sigh. Honestly, there are times when I’d love to stand up on a table and just yell,
“Wake up people! There is so much to experience and do and so much you can bring into your sensual life!”
Continue reading Do you ever wonder? Are we alone? (Random Thoughts)
Submissive Buttons
I am continuing to learn about what pushes my buttons in this new(er to us) lifestyle. I wrote before about the “subbie” energy and how, I believe, you pull it from the things that happen, and the relationship, rather than have it necessarily instilled in you by your Domme. I do think it’s comes from a whole range of things and I’m finding that it’s also a combination of things that really pushes things over the top. Do I love it when I’m pushed by Charmer to do things that I wouldn’t be otherwise doing? You bet. No question.
But I also love it when there are a bunch of little things that constantly keep pecking at the relationship.
The New Phonebooks Are Here!
It’s like that Steve Martin movie, “the new phonebooks are here, the new phonebooks are here!”
Except in my case, it’s “the new chastity cage is here, the new chastity cage is here!”
The new Steelheart arrives from Steelworxx and it’s really an amazing piece of, well, almost art. It’s very sleek, the quality and fit/finish are excellent.
This is my third device. I’ve used the CB6000s, the Mature Metal Queen’s Keep, and now this Steelheart. I went to the Steelheart because of the new PA piercing, and their support of it with the “PA Fixing” piece.
I wore the CB6000s for about 90 days before it split… twice. Just thinking about getting caught up in a splitting cage was enough to give someone nightmares. I could just see waking up and looking down and, well, you get the idea. Enough of that.
The Queen’s Keep is another excellent piece. It’s exactly the same as the Jail Bird in my estimation, with the only difference being the added band at the base of the tube for the Queen’s Keep. You can see them here if you’re interested. Really great devices and I wore the Queen’s keep for almost exactly a year, 24x7x365 except for times when it just didn’t work (travel, play time, etc.). It worked out really well in all respects. My only issue was one of pulling to one side (my left) based on how you normally “dress.” It tended to pull at the skin around the base ring a bit if I didn’t get it just right. Certainly not an issue with the device. In fact, I think it came largely from my “settling in” to wearing a device full time.
I mention all of this as background. The Steelheart (SH) only arrived a day or two ago and I’ve been wearing it up until last night. (wow, long-term chastity, I know, I know.) Frustratingly, last night the PA fought back and I ended up removing the SH to allow for more healing time, which I apparently need for the PA. I am pretty certain the *incredibly massive and oversized starter ring* they gave me on the PA was to blame.
So, I’m wild and free again for a few days, then we’ll go back at it. My initial thoughts on the SH are:
- Holy cow, this is comfortable to wear!
- Um, well, er, bathroom runs are “different” now – with only one small hole in the end of the tube, liquid necessarily exiting the tube can get backed up, which is an odd thing. If you’re in a more relaxed (more flaccid) state than normal, it can REALLY back up and get things pretty wet. I don’t think I necessarily go more than others do in terms of volume, so it may be a technique thing I have to learn. We’ll see. I know you’ll be riveted to know that I’ll keep you posted.
- I LOVE an integrated lock.
- I miss the “click” of the padlock though. That was always fun.
- It’s weird to look down and see… chrome. Not a cage, but chrome. Cool.
I’m looking forward to more time in and more information about longer-term fit and wearing. All I need are my tools to get this starter ring out and swapped and I’ll be good to go I think. Let me know if you have any additional feedback on the device, tips, PA thoughts, etc.
Why Do I Analyze So Much?
One of the things Charmer and I do to help in the communications area is to journal to each other every weekday. We have a private blog that we write posts on to each other. Mine are due by noon and hers include feedback and responses to mine, plus her own thoughts. It’s been an excellent tool, in a private, passworded forum.
One thing is abundantly clear. I overthink. And then I overthink some more. If you read my posts, you’d see that I’m constantly in a place where I’m asking things like
- Why does FLR feel “right?”
- Why does the chastity device cause goodsubbie feelings?
- …and why does that feel “right?”
- Why do I want to do X, Y or Z?
- Is liking the /s/ mentality a weakness? Strength? Is it OK?
- Why would someone do that?
- Why does this feel “right”
- What is causing such a strong draw to understand this thing or that thing?
- EGAD!
It’s constant. From my feelings about D/s to how the FLR works to play time, I’m the one constantly trying to figure out the WHY or the feelings behind it. So much so that I’ve taken to exclaiming “(GAH!)” every time I write “the way I feel about this is…” It’s actually getting kind of comical. Charmer is left to remind me over and over “Does it matter why? Just let it be and go with it!” Not that she doesn’t care, not at all, just that I need to learn that some things just… are.
For example, if you’ve seen the Submissive Guy comics, I love ’em. They show how the character loves the dynamic of the relationship. It’s the whole point of the comics, really. Leave it to me to constantly question “but WHY does it (being the /s/ in this whole thing) feel right?” Of course I usually follow up with “Is that normal?” Then, for some reason I have to sit and analyze and think through and come up with my thoughts on why this-or-that may be happening.
Charmer? Not a chance. “Oh, I like when we try this or make these changes or add this to the FLR or that cage or…”
I see this on some other blogs too – one person is constantly in analysis mode, the other is just “eh, whatever.”
I think this may be one of the biggest impediments to FLR for people. We spend so much time fighting a tendency that we may have toward incorporating a female led relationship that we don’t give ourselves the chance to just let it be. I don’t know if it’s society that puts that pressure on, or our own thoughts and feelings (GAH!) or what it is, but it’s a pretty big leap, at least for me, to take.
In the last 16 or so months, I’ve worked quite hard to settle into the new dynamic. Every time I just go with it, it rolls along almost magically. It’s peaceful, it’s “right.” Then, when I realize it’s happening, I have to sit back and try to figure out why it would make such a difference in my mind and in our relationship. I can’t just let it be. I have yet to figure out the why. But that’s OK.
I love taking care of Charmer, making sure she has what she needs and letting her manage the house, our lives and such. She’s amazing at the juggling act it requires on the homefront. From family to our own hobbies to us. I feel like it’s my job to facilitate that and make that as doable as possible. When we’re both firing on all cylinders, there’s nothing quite like it.
And lately, as this all settles into place quite nicely, this happens much more often than not. That’s a pretty amazing place to be.
Now if I can just figure out why it took so long to figure out we needed this change. Any why we like it so much. And why it works so well…
Walk with Pride, Man, Walk with Pride!
There’s an old joke that goes something like this…
A player, new to the game of baseball is having the ins and outs explained to him while watching a game.
As batters come up, they swing, miss, some hit of course. But a bit later, the batter is up.
Pitch… ball.
Pitch… ball.
Pitch… ball
As the last pitch is ready to go, the person helping the newbie explains “If this last one is a ball too, the batter gets to go to first. He’ll get walked.” The newbie looks at the person helping them, thinks for a minute, then goes back to watching.
Pitch… ball.
With that, the person explain says “He gets to walk, he’s got four balls!”
The newbie stands up and start cheering madly. He yells to the runner… “Walk with PRIDE my man, WALK WITH PRIDE!”
Now, I won’t claim to have four balls. But I will say that the new PA has a tendency to introduce new swagger. It’s a great feeling that I went through with something that was more than a little scary, but is awesome.
The latest update is that things are fine. No bleeding, no … nothing. Just getting used to having a ring there and trying to imagine what things will be like going forward… in a good way. But that’s for another post.
PA – Prince Albert Piercing Experience – Day 2 and 3
One thing that I have not seen mentioned anywhere at all, and that surprised me when I had this done a couple days ago, was the initial jewelry size. The 10g ring wasn’t unusual, but the circumference of the ring was surprising. It’s big. Very big.
In talking with a few other people that had it done, they experienced the same thing (whether they had a ring or a barbell). The initial jewelry is oversized so you can determine what works for your own anatomy.
So, don’t be surprised if the ring is a 7/8″ diameter or something close to that. It looks abnormally large. The thinking behind this is that you need to find out how your body reacts to the ring and piercing and find out how much your stuff changes when you get an erection. This all comes in to determine the final sizing of the ring or barbell.
Day 2
As a general status update, Day 2 had some bleeding, but nothing big deal. I used a maxi-pad… one. it stopped bleeding later in the day. The blood wasn’t a big deal at all, but would have been a pain without the pad. I have a new-found respect for the periods that ladies have to put up with. I mean, those pads work great, but getting them in and positioned … just not something I’ve ever had to deal with.
A little pinchy-type sore (see above for the big ring stuff, that I think is a big cause of this). But nothing at all that was a big deal. I would describe it as an itch-level annoyance. I can see some very, very slight puffiness, but I can certainly understand that given the piercing that was done less than 24 hours prior.
Day 3
No bleeding at all. Puffiness has gone down, but not gone. It’s a bit more annoying today with the bigger ring. I may go back to the piercer early in the week to try to get the ring swapped out. I’d like to go down perhaps to a 1/2″ or so. I don’t know the options and I don’t know their suggestions/recommendations or issues swapping it out so quickly. We’ll see what they suggest.
I’ve had no stinging when peeing – something you see people talk about quite a bit. I’m not sure why I haven’t had it, but it just hasn’t been there at all. I’m feeling really good about how it’s healing and settling in.
Also getting over the shock that I went through with it finally and have it! So cool.
PA – Prince Albert Piercing – Day Of
Today was the day. I went to get my Prince Albert (PA) piercing and boy was it different from what I expected!
First, I was really freaked out about going into a shop, dropping my pants and getting poked. I mean, who does that?!?
The shop we (Charmer came with me) went to was selected after a lot (believe me, obsessive that I am) of research and reading reviews, talking with people, etc. It was spotless. I was worried that I wouldn’t follow through, so I made a specific appointment with them. I figured it would be harder to break. 🙂
We showed up and the shop is immaculate. The people are very, very nice and knowledgable, they answered any question I had straight-up without flinching. Let’s face it, they’ve probably heard all of the possible questions 100 times before. But they were really cool about it and took the ring we agreed to back to the autoclave and to get the room ready.
The piercer has been doing this for a looooooong time, and was completely aware of what was going through my head. He explained how it would all start and just that it would be fine. Good gawd, you’d think I was having a major life-threatening surgery or something with the questions in my head. I mean, with what you see online –
– make sure they sterilize with an autoclave (they do/did)
– ask about aftercare (I did, but they had already covered it)
– ask about experience (they offered it in advance)
– look for how clean the room is – it was immaculate
– look at their tools and needles – are they wrapped and sealed? Yup.
I had all of these checks running around in my head from horror stories you read and hear about. I was feeling pretty good that I knew what to expect.
Then it happened.
“Drop your shorts to your knees and have a seat…”
Alrighty then! I guess we’re really going to do this. Now, I’m not one to just drop my shorts willy-nilly. Let alone in a store. But there I am, piercer and assistant, Charmer and me, just hangin’ out.
I sat back in the chair and then it was lowered back to laying down. I was concentrating hard… on closing my damn eyes! Then he wanted to show me what he was going to do. “This is the receiver tube…” Great. Move along now. I don’t need to see the needle and other goodies. Thank you.
He put in the receiving tube. It wasn’t a big deal at all. It was a little pressure, a little “zing” and it was in place. No problem. He was teaching his assistant too, so a little dialog about “see, you can see where it is here, and line it up exactly with the mark we made…” went on. No problem. Then he tugged on the receiving tube just a small bit. That was it. It was over. He told me it was done, that he was putting in the ring.
I felt the ring slide in and adjust, then he was done. No searing pain. No pain at all really. Just shock. I honestly had no idea he had even done it.
The ring is in, a couple of drops of blood so far and doesn’t even sting to pee. Amazing.
Afterward we got a great discussion about what to expect, what changes there will likely be, when we can play around again, etc. We also talked about sizing, about what to keep an eye out for. Super simple. No sweat.
We left and got lunch – to talk about it and watch me be stupid giddy with relief, adrenaline and excitement that I did it. I went through with it and I couldn’t be more excited.
Some questions:
Can you get a PA if you’re a grower?
Yep. I can vouch for that.
What if you “turtle” when you go in there? Won’t they laugh?
It’s OK. What would YOU do if someone came at you with a needle. Of course you may turtle. They even told me ahead of time. It’s not a big deal.
What if I get an erection?
It’s OK. They can mark things easily and wait for you to calm down.
Does it hurt?
Seriously…. no. In my case, there was a small stinging sensation as the receiving tube went in. A bit of pressure when he pierced. A small sting when he put in the jewelry. I got snagged by my cat a day or so ago – it hurt more than this did.
Doesn’t it bleed like a mother?
Not in my case. One thing he did that I thought was really smart, he pierced at a size smaller than the jewelry, then stretched up around the jewelry. It made it seal better to the jewelry and kept the bleeding from happening. I’ve had a couple spots, but…
What does it feel like?
Too soon to tell, but so far, it’s not a bad feeling at all! I’ll keep you posted.
Does it burn to pee?
Not so far, not at all. I understand this is unusual to NOT have the stinging for a day or three.
Why would you do this at your age (50ish)?
‘Cuz it rocks. And because it’s something I wanted to do, simple. SO glad I did.
I’ll keep you posted on healing and other goodies.
Weird, The Cage Is…
I think the influence of the cage is strange.
I’ve not had it on for a few days because of travel and circumstance. To say that it’s… different, is putting it mildly. I’m sure it’s psychological. I mean, how can NOT having a stainless steel cage on me make a difference in my mindset, if it’s not that?
I find that, now that I’ve had it on for the last year or so, I do miss it. I’ve read about others experiencing this. It’s not a lack of sub-mindset, but it is different. I know Thumper has talked about it over the years many times. I never really understood how it could be, but it most certainly is. There’s a difference in me, and Charmer sees it too.
But it’s stronger than that. It’s like the O-control has softer corners and edges. It’s still very much there, but it’s a “because I will it” not a “because she’s controlling it actively.” Weird.
I find myself thinking through many aspects of this whole thing – the differences in life, the mental state (heh, always question my mental state), the “why” of it all. Charmer is always amazed that I spend so much time wondering why it all works. She’s much more of a “hey, it works, that’s great!” I’m more of a “yeah, but why? It makes no sense!”
What’s odd is in talking with different people on Twitter and reading other blogs, there is often one of the people in the mix that thinks things through – and in male-sub relationships, it seems to predominantly be the male. It’s strange to think (see, analyzing again) that “it’s a guy thing” – I mean, what would that be about? Just not sure. I think there is much to learn.
But, then again, that’s what makes all of this so amazing!
Surprising Conversations
This week I’ll be getting a PA done (Prince Albert piercing) and am really looking forward to it. OK, so I’m not looking forward to the act of getting it done, but I’m looking forward to having it… But I had to laugh at a conversation with Charmer this morning –
Me, to her: “When you head to the store this week can you pick me up a box of maxi-pads?”
Now THERE is a conversation I never anticipated having. I’ve seen in many places that the pads work wonders to absorb as you heal from the piercing. I’ll let you know how it all goes – but we both thought it was funny.
The conversations have certainly changed in our life. Since we started this change to our life, conversations include everything from new things to try to why certain reactions happen. We’ve talked more about us, more about who we are as a couple, as individuals and what’s important to each. It’s made for some very frank conversations, which is pretty amazing after being together for so long. It’s pretty magical to be able to go through this morphing process into whatever is next.
I currently have a MM Queen’s Keep device (have used a CB6000s as well) and am awaiting my shiny new Steelworxx device, complete with the PA fixing. It should be here roughly coinciding with heal time on the PA. Fingers crossed.
I’ll keep you posted on the whole PA thing. I hope my experience encourages others who are considering it. I know when you ask questions on Twitter, Reddit, etc. that the answers are almost always positive (after you get past people raving crazily about how you are CRAZY to consider it). I hope to bring my experiences with it here to the blog and provide another sampling to consider.
My biggest thing is the actual act of getting it done. I can take the rest. I just can’t imagine rolling up to the piercing shop, flopping out my junk and saying “yes, yes. Stick the needle right there…” Egad.
All I can say is thank goodness I don’t have to figure out “wings on the pads.” Sigh.
Of Birthdays and Anniversaries
Not sure what it is about birthdays and anniversaries that make you stop and take stock. It’s our anniversary time of year and it’s hard to overstate just how much of a year of change this has been.
On the personal front, many changes. But on the “lifestyle” front, so many things have started to impact our lives in such amazing, positive ways. The last year has been one of growing and learning and exploring. What a rush it’s been.
For me, I’ve learned that there is so much to this D/s and FLR lifestyle. While they are definitely intertwined, they are separate areas. We’ve managed to start putting many, many things in place. And I love it. I never really thought about it before. I just would never have considered the feelings of “right” that I’ve discovered in working with Charmer in so many areas.
I love the excuse it all brings to do things for her. I suppose it’s “serving” her, but I stumble over the term. For me, it’s just a race to see if I can find new ways to make her life, our life, easier. I’m not saying that I have put on an apron and danced around the house as I gleefully dust the shelves.
What I am saying is that I actively look for ways to be involved. I look for ways to take things off her plate and share the workload. I look for ways to make things easier for her. And it not only helps her, but I have this newly discovered “warm feeling inside” in doing these things. It sounds corny, I do realize that. I guess I really like the control I have over all of these things.
In my “other” life – you know, the one that pays the bills – I’m very much the “Alpha” and have both a lot of control and none. As anyone will attest that has significant responsibilities for people, products, business and sales, you feel in control, but in many cases, you’re trying to control the chaos for a particular income.
With the subbie, warm feelings inside (puke) side of me with Charmer, I’ve found that I can control and really do well at managing things in our personal lives so she doesn’t have to do them. Yep. I do dust, laundry, deal with things around the house. She does too – but now the individual work load is shifted. And it’s good. Very good.
It flips my subbie buttons.
And that’s something that’s come to really be clearer in the last year (going back to how I started this post), my subbie buttons exist! I had no real idea. I had glimmers, but nothing that I’d ever considered. I’ve learned so much, but I also know for sure that I have so much more to learn.
It’s so not just about the bedroom sub stuff (though, I have to tell you, um, wow), but rather about the whole of what we’re experiencing together.
– A chastity cage for me – amazing and conversation-inducing. It works on many levels to bring new attention to your love life. I’ll have more on this as we go forward. But to me, it makes no sense the level of impact it has had on our lives. 24×7, been using for more than a year at this point. LOVE it. It’s not for everyone, but… wow.
– Power exchange – goes with the first item. Kink, I suppose. We’re lovin’ it. (Sorry McD)
– FLR – so much – more to come, but learning and enjoying
– New friends and confidants! Wow. NEVER thought this would be a side-effect.
Anyway, all of this to say that we’re off having a rather intense, kinky celebration of our anniversary. Will be on-again, off-again on twitter and the like, but hope you take some time to do some personal thinking about all you’ve done in the last year… and what you’ll do looking forward.