Before he left for work this morning, I gave Snake the Father’s Day gift that he had asked for. I know I’m a couple of days early but I figured that our daughter wouldn’t want to see what he really wanted. And it seemed a little strange to wrap it up. Here’s what he asked for. After we had started our game, he wanted some variety and a larger one so he asked for the XL for Father’s Day.
FLR and D/s Course Correction Underway
I’ve been a busy snake of late.
With the game, the challenge prior to that, and Charmer’s good nature, I’ve been allowed orgasms on a very regular basis – sometimes to the point of torture (at least with ruined orgasms). You can read more about those in the other posts, but suffice to say, it’s been fun.
But…
Charmer Gets to Play
Since our Memorial Day game, we have had several people asking about the rules and points for our games. We have basically have two different modes for our game. One is a 14 day rolling window for Snake to accumulate points to be eligible for an orgasm. The second is simply challenges that I throw out for a specific period of time. If he reaches the goal on specific challenges, he gets to add to his point value for the 14 day regular game. If he doesn’t, he loses points from the game.
The Power of Chastity, Orgasm Control
I was reading Thumper’s post today about “High Anxiety” and it really struck a nerve. A good nerve. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the impact of chastity and giving over control. Even with my recent issues with Edema, my mindset is still one of her controlling the whole orgasm side of things. I just wouldn’t have it any other way. We’ll get the device issues sorted.
He also talks about increasing concerns when Thumper and Belle are apart. I’m not a fan of anxiety, not at all, but this is an artifact of an intense and excellent relationship. All IMHO of course, but I wanted to throw my hat in the ring on his post because I feel many very similar things going on in my head/life/relationship and his post really gave my thoughts “legs. ”
The Legend of Orgasm Control
Back before I’d really started seriously into this lifestyle of FLR and Chastity with Charmer, I had read about people that had figured out how to control their orgasms (from the guy’s perspective). I thought it was fascinating.
I also thought it was the stuff of fantasy. No way.
We had be going at it for nearly an hour now. She’d managed to come several times and we were a hot, sweaty mess of lust. We have a standing rule that I can’t come, unless she says so, and I can’t ask. So she was using me, making me her toy, and I was there just for her.
Yeah. Right.
What Makes FLR Work?
FLR (Female-Led Relationship, or FLM Female-Led Marriage) is essentially a power exchange arrangement. I have thought a lot (probably too much) about why this is cool, why it pushes buttons for people, what they get out of it, etc.
Aside from the power trip of being in charge, why is this associated with sexual control too? I realize that most FLR sites are going to tell you that FLR isn’t about sexual stuff. It’s about being in charge, being in control, etc. But the fact is, many guys crave it. Many relationships thrive with it. Have you thought about why?
Having fun keeping the horniness alive…
We’ve talked about integrating D/s and FLR into our daily lives. Sometimes it is hard to find time for long play sessions with other things going on in our lives. Life does have a tendency to interfere with what we want to be doing.
Snake and I have certain rituals that we do to reinforce our play when we are short on time. They are our ways of staying connected.
FLR in Daily Life
It can be tough to sustain any number of these lifestyle changes that we collectively write about in the “kink” world. I look around and it’s impossible not to see the blog carnage from those who start, then get swept up in life.
I think one of the things that we turn to some of these “activities” for (certainly chastity and FLR) is to reclaim our life a bit. We can all get so stuck in life that we run out of time. It seems that one of the first things to be sacrificed is our love life, our partner. We are in this together, so let’s stay busy on life to get through it… – but this can lead to giving up time and attention that relationships need.
Pushing his (subby) buttons
I thought I’d give my side of Snake’s post yesterday about learning what pushes his subby buttons. He mentioned his morning inspection, which is really more teasing than inspection, and the fantasy stories that he writes for me. I think last weekend was really what put him in his mental space this past week.
Our Version of Dominance and Submission
There has been a lot of blogging lately about how subs can be made to feel submissive. Several people have talked about more discipline, several have talked about more verbal commands and Snake made his feelings known last week.
There are so many posts on what makes a Domme. If you do x, you aren’t really a Domme. If you don’t do x, you aren’t really a Domme. It’s the fantasy version of the woman in black leather holding handcuffs and a whip. It’s not reality. Sure, there is probably leather, handcuffs and whips in many of our arsenals. But I think those are tools, not the actual domination.
Submission, and Demanding More From Your Dominant Partner
There have been a few different posts by other bloggers lately talking about their desire to re-acquire that submissive feelings and attitude they crave. The blogs are extremely popular and are amazing resources. I have HUGE respect for these blogs and mean no ill-intent at all in this post. This is just my take and my thoughts on the topic.
I read these posts with great interest. I have to admit, I also read them and reacted one way initially, another way after having thought about it some more, and then have settled into a pretty surprising realization in yet another direction since. Talk about food for thought.
It’s has even lead to several discussions between Charmer and myself about this.
On the face of it, it seems like they’re demanding how they want their Dominant to act toward them. In my opinion, they’re essentially topping from the bottom on how they want the Dominant to act.
The general gist of the posts was talking about how their Domme (the lead posters are both male subs) needs to step up her declarations of power over them. They were saying that those displays of power (telling them what to do, being more clear on their dominance, etc.) were what they needed from the relationship so they could feel that submissive feeling.
For me, this is the wrong approach to getting this feeling of being the /s/ in the relationship. I have found that when I look for the guidance, for things like “orders” or more stringent interactions, while they’re there, it’s not where I draw my submissive energy from in the relationship.
I try really hard to draw my energy from her feelings, not her actions. If I’m doing everything I can to help out, to give her what she needs, etc, she’ll be in a great place. If I respond to requests quickly, always open doors, do all of those things (chivalry, helping, doing my part, taking things off her plate of stuff to be done), she’ll be happy with the help, happy with the situation. THAT drives my subbie buttons.
It’s not really her standing over me demanding things. It’s a feeling of knowing what I can do to help her. To do things for her. A perfect example is baths. I draw her bath, get her a drink, her kindle, make sure she has bath bombs, towels, etc. She gets time to read and I get time to get the bedroom ready for bed time. I draw a lot of /s/ energy from that, knowing that I just know how to help her.
I don’t think it’s the responsibility of the dominant partner to find things to demand. To find things to force their dominance on you about. I think it’s their place to indicate what they need, to deal with it if it’s not done (or done to their liking), and to make decisions, choose direction, etc. Those are FLR and D/s things that are clearly in their wheelhouse. But I don’t think they have to constantly be looking for ways to flex their muscles just to generate /s/ feelings for the submissive partner. I think that’s unrealistic.
Again, this is just my experience, but it’s important to draw energy from their feelings, not their actions. How do they feel? How do they like how you’re doing things, how things are set up? You can draw incredible energy from that and I think that’s a much better place to get the energy.
I saw a post a while ago where one person was coaching another just getting rolling with D/s dynamics. The important take-away was one quote that “it’s not about you.” (paraphrased) – it’s not about the submissive partner, me. It IS about the dominant partner, in my case, her. I have to keep that in mind, and keep that as my goal. Then, when I succeed at that goal, I get the reward of the wonderful submissive warm and fuzzies.
The female perspective on life and PAs
I know Snake is frustrated about the healing time of his PA. It has been three weeks today and he is mentally raring to go. He wore the Steelheart for a couple of days after it arrived because, after all, it is new and shiny. He also isn’t completely healed, has a larger than necessary ring and ended up with a small cut that needs to heal. So, he is free for the last couple of days and being very impatient. He has decided that it needs to be done so his body just needs to get with the program. I can’t blame him. I’m the person who feels personally offended by my body if it succumbs to a cold.
While part of his frustration is lack of teasing that he is used to, I think a bigger part is that he wants to let me have whatever I want. We might have gone through a dry period before we started all of our FLR and D/s activities, but now that is over. Thankfully.
We have a private blog that we write to each other daily and there is an orgasm log on it. He started the count on January 27th of this year and so far he has amassed 8. Those are real ones and don’t include the 5 ruined ones. Using those numbers, Snake averages about one every week and a half. He did have one two weeks ago so he isn’t completely chaste, but it has been a while. Enough of a while that when I decided to play this morning during his inspection, he was more than ready. However, due to a punishment, he owes me a few more orgasms before he can come.
We’ve had a really busy and tiring couple of weeks and given the choice between sleeping and playing, well, sleep won. Snake was starting to get worried that things were sliding back. It really had nothing to do with not being horny. So, he was quite happy when I told him yesterday that we didn’t have plans and that I was ready for some attention. A nice bubble bath and then time to up my count on the orgasm log. And even if Snake is still healing there, he still upped my count by 19. Not too shabby. My count is 185 since the end of January so I guess my average is about 18 per week. I still think we need to work on that, Snake. 🙂
So, while he is frustrated and feeling like things will never be back to normal, my job is to give him some outlet for his frustration and remind him that this is a journey. Life will occasionally get in the way, the PA will take some time to heal but we are still moving forward and having a lot of fun.
Why Do I Analyze So Much?
One of the things Charmer and I do to help in the communications area is to journal to each other every weekday. We have a private blog that we write posts on to each other. Mine are due by noon and hers include feedback and responses to mine, plus her own thoughts. It’s been an excellent tool, in a private, passworded forum.
One thing is abundantly clear. I overthink. And then I overthink some more. If you read my posts, you’d see that I’m constantly in a place where I’m asking things like
- Why does FLR feel “right?”
- Why does the chastity device cause goodsubbie feelings?
- …and why does that feel “right?”
- Why do I want to do X, Y or Z?
- Is liking the /s/ mentality a weakness? Strength? Is it OK?
- Why would someone do that?
- Why does this feel “right”
- What is causing such a strong draw to understand this thing or that thing?
- EGAD!
It’s constant. From my feelings about D/s to how the FLR works to play time, I’m the one constantly trying to figure out the WHY or the feelings behind it. So much so that I’ve taken to exclaiming “(GAH!)” every time I write “the way I feel about this is…” It’s actually getting kind of comical. Charmer is left to remind me over and over “Does it matter why? Just let it be and go with it!” Not that she doesn’t care, not at all, just that I need to learn that some things just… are.
For example, if you’ve seen the Submissive Guy comics, I love ’em. They show how the character loves the dynamic of the relationship. It’s the whole point of the comics, really. Leave it to me to constantly question “but WHY does it (being the /s/ in this whole thing) feel right?” Of course I usually follow up with “Is that normal?” Then, for some reason I have to sit and analyze and think through and come up with my thoughts on why this-or-that may be happening.
Charmer? Not a chance. “Oh, I like when we try this or make these changes or add this to the FLR or that cage or…”
I see this on some other blogs too – one person is constantly in analysis mode, the other is just “eh, whatever.”
I think this may be one of the biggest impediments to FLR for people. We spend so much time fighting a tendency that we may have toward incorporating a female led relationship that we don’t give ourselves the chance to just let it be. I don’t know if it’s society that puts that pressure on, or our own thoughts and feelings (GAH!) or what it is, but it’s a pretty big leap, at least for me, to take.
In the last 16 or so months, I’ve worked quite hard to settle into the new dynamic. Every time I just go with it, it rolls along almost magically. It’s peaceful, it’s “right.” Then, when I realize it’s happening, I have to sit back and try to figure out why it would make such a difference in my mind and in our relationship. I can’t just let it be. I have yet to figure out the why. But that’s OK.
I love taking care of Charmer, making sure she has what she needs and letting her manage the house, our lives and such. She’s amazing at the juggling act it requires on the homefront. From family to our own hobbies to us. I feel like it’s my job to facilitate that and make that as doable as possible. When we’re both firing on all cylinders, there’s nothing quite like it.
And lately, as this all settles into place quite nicely, this happens much more often than not. That’s a pretty amazing place to be.
Now if I can just figure out why it took so long to figure out we needed this change. Any why we like it so much. And why it works so well…
What I’ve Learned So Far
I’m by no means an expert. I look at where I have to go, and where others are, and I’m in awe of their devotion to their partner. I’m Hers, Thumper and several others show just how important, and how hard, it is to be in the right mind set. To be aware of the change in lifestyle, when you go the FLR/M route.
For us, it started as play time. It started wanting to experience more and to try new things. I’m sure over time we’ll get into the steps along the way to get where we are, and will be talking about where we’d like to go. But right now, I’m fascinated by the changes to date in our now-33+ year relationship.
I’ve really struggled with the term “submissive.” I’ve never seen myself as submitting – in fact I’m an alpha in nearly every bit of my life… except at home. I don’t consider myself a switch, and I’ve come to understand a different kind of inner “peace” (how cliche’ is that?) with the /s/ side of me. But still, that word. Submissive. It has such meaning – you “submit” to so someone by giving in. You “submit” to someone for their approval, for their acceptance, for their OK to continue.
But with this lifestyle, and I’m talking FLR stuff at the moment, with a healthy dose of D/s, it is one of the hardest things for me to say about myself. I’m a submissive. Not in a “I’m less than she is” way, but in a choice way. I am hers and I try to make things I do, for her. I see it really as a license to invoke chivalry. I love that thought. The idea that I get to hold doors, put her coat on for her, take it off when she doesn’t need it, take care of her… it’s magic.
We continue to define how we interact. In the bedroom, in our lives, in our hobbies. The whole lifestyle has infiltrated most areas now (it’s been 16 months since we started in earnest, Thanksgiving-ish of 2013). Decisions are hers, with input from me. We love each other very much and are respectful, even when playing. She’s a natural Domme and I have come to know and understand that I’m naturally submissive in so many of these areas.
This blog will be about all of that. And more. The mind games that come from it for me (and for her) are intriguing and fascinating. Getting used to things. Trying things. Yes, submitting. This blog will go into that, talk about those things, my experiences, hopefully her experiences as well, and try to share just a bit about our lives in this corner of the universe.
~Steeled Snake