FLR, D/s, Life and Kink
On a pretty much impromptu decision, we decided we were going to have the weekend night (Friday) free and wanted to have a mini-vacation. We picked one of our favorite spots here in town and managed to get a reservation at the very last minute for one of the rooms that is a separate, stand-alone mini-house/apartment. It has all the features of home, a small kitchen, nice digs. It also has our favorite feature, the terrace.
We’ve been exploring more about sub-space – that place you can get to where the world melts away and all of a sudden the sensations change – often from pain to pleasure, or as we’ve just begun to understand, pleasure to more pleasure.
We are still alive. Well, those of you who follow us on Twitter already know that, but for those of you who just read this… I know we haven’t updated for almost two weeks but we are still here.
We’ve been busy with work, dance and family but still have managed to fit in a couple of fun sexy times too. The one before the long holiday weekend I am leaving for Snake. He is working on a post which will touch on that so I don’t want to steal his thunder.
The holiday weekend was a downtime from the previous week and our daughter was here. We went to see movies and went out to dinner with friends. Daughter and I saw Magic Mike XXL on Sunday. Good times were had by all… gotta love that eye candy.
The beginning of this week was a lot of dance and Snake dealing with a big work project. Wednesday, however, I told him that he was leaving work at work that night. We had a dance lesson and then came home for some dinner and wine. He was trying to give me a hard time — he is a cheeky sort — and I finally told him that *I* was getting laid that night. He could choose if he wanted to be used or to enjoy it. I think he was a little surprised at my forwardness. 🙂
We had a pretty laid-back weekend, and, as is Charmer’s style, that meant that we also had lots of time to flirt and play. Again, I’ve learned new things about myself.
While we were lounging around on Saturday, for example, I found out that I have a smell when I’m denied and lookin’ for love. What? A smell? Talk about giving me a complex. She was just laying on my leg and grinning and I asked about what – she let me know. She liked the smell. Not like it was overwhelming (she says) or anything like that, just a pleasant sweet smell. I told her I was just pushing out pheromones to try to entice her into bed any way I could muster.
Continue reading “Mashup: D/s, Flirting, Getting the Stink-Eye and More”
I had started formulating this post in my head while I was in the shower this morning. It was going to start with lots of silly sexy thoughts and images from yesterday. And I will get to those. But first…
Continue reading “Of Rulings, War Games, Orgasms and Denial”
Last night was a further night of setting things straight. As we mentioned in the “reset” post, Charmer decided that things were just not where they needed to be, so she was resetting our D/s and FLR relationship. It included not coming for at least a couple (I suspect longer) of weeks, the chastity cage and some serious attitude adjustments.
Last night, she mentioned that she’d been building up a really strong Domme drive for several days. As we were driving out of the driveway for some things that we had to get done last night, she reached over, grabbed me by my cage and told me that after we got home, I was going to be restrained completely and she was going to torture and have her way with me. She couldn’t tell, but my cage was instantly full.
I had a hard time concentrating while we were out – it seemed like her Domme Eyes ™ were in full use all evening and each chance she had, she reminded me that I’d soon be locked in place for her entertainment. She didn’t disappoint.
Before he left for work this morning, I gave Snake the Father’s Day gift that he had asked for. I know I’m a couple of days early but I figured that our daughter wouldn’t want to see what he really wanted. And it seemed a little strange to wrap it up. Here’s what he asked for. After we had started our game, he wanted some variety and a larger one so he asked for the XL for Father’s Day.
I’ve been a busy snake of late.
With the game, the challenge prior to that, and Charmer’s good nature, I’ve been allowed orgasms on a very regular basis – sometimes to the point of torture (at least with ruined orgasms). You can read more about those in the other posts, but suffice to say, it’s been fun.
But…
As everyone who reads our blog knows, I enjoy games and challenges. It keeps things interesting and Snake and I are ridiculously competitive. So, last Friday I threw down the gauntlet on another one. If you missed it, the challenge is here. Yesterday Snake posted the results and his experiences from the challenge. I thought you might be interested in hearing my thoughts and some ideas I have for the future. Here goes…
Continue reading “Scrabble Game Results From the Charmer Side”
I don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but I really don’t like Scrabble. My brain fixates on letters (regardless of whether they make words or not) and I have a really hard time making anything more out of them. I can take FOREVER to come up with words. Like to the point where I think people start to leave to get beverages waiting. [SSC: No. We finish beverages, make more and sometimes finish those.] It’s not pretty.
Before I get into the results, you can play along if you like. Remember the challenge rules (here’s a link) – and then here are the letters I selected from the magical bag of Scrabble tiles:
It’s time for a new Snake challenge weekend! I told him two days ago that I had one planned and he is equal parts excited and terrified. Of course, I know that as soon as he saw Scrabble in the title, he is groaning.
During my daily scanning of hundreds of posts and pictures a few days ago, I came across this. I love sexual games, I love orgasms and I love Scrabble. But, of course, I have to put my own twist on things so I came up with the following game.
Since our Memorial Day game, we have had several people asking about the rules and points for our games. We have basically have two different modes for our game. One is a 14 day rolling window for Snake to accumulate points to be eligible for an orgasm. The second is simply challenges that I throw out for a specific period of time. If he reaches the goal on specific challenges, he gets to add to his point value for the 14 day regular game. If he doesn’t, he loses points from the game.
Just a quick post to let you know what Snake will be doing this weekend. In celebration of National Masturbation Month, he gets to, well, masturbate. Within the rules of the game, of course.
We have an ongoing point game where he earns points with various “implements” and actions in order to get bonus orgasms. This is a mini game to allow him to add or subtract points from his tally. His running goal is 2200 points within the last 14 days.
Between tonight and Monday night, he needs to come 12 times. He has to do it in front of me and he has to keep his eyes open and on me. If he wants me to do it, he only gets half credit.
It’s late on Sunday morning and thought I’d write a post about the last couple of days. Some life stuff, some kink stuff and just an all-around gorky happy post. Gorky? It’s a Snake household word. You know the sound a cat makes when it throws up? A little like “gork, gork, gork?” That is our expression when people are being super sweet and romantic and happy and everyone just wants to throw something at them.
I had been teasing Snake all week that our his to hers orgasms ration was way too high on his end. It was at 20:1 in favor of me. We’ve been really busy the last couple of weeks and play time has been a little scarce. Thursday night we had time and he did his best to fix those numbers. He gave me 17 very nice orgasms and two really epic ones. We have a rating system. You know–the whole 1-10 thing. Rarely there are a few in the 3-4 range. Mostly they are in the 7-9 range. However, sometimes there are the amazing 10s. Sometimes afterward I feel a little like a judge in a sporting event. Maybe we need to make some paddles. 🙂 He always knows when they are 10s, but asks anyway. He was a very good Snake on Thursday and managed two of those. Happy Thursday to me.
FLR (Female-Led Relationship, or FLM Female-Led Marriage) is essentially a power exchange arrangement. I have thought a lot (probably too much) about why this is cool, why it pushes buttons for people, what they get out of it, etc.
Aside from the power trip of being in charge, why is this associated with sexual control too? I realize that most FLR sites are going to tell you that FLR isn’t about sexual stuff. It’s about being in charge, being in control, etc. But the fact is, many guys crave it. Many relationships thrive with it. Have you thought about why?
We’ve talked about integrating D/s and FLR into our daily lives. Sometimes it is hard to find time for long play sessions with other things going on in our lives. Life does have a tendency to interfere with what we want to be doing.
Snake and I have certain rituals that we do to reinforce our play when we are short on time. They are our ways of staying connected.
As Snake and I were lying in bed this morning, he made a comment about his PA still healing a little and I laughed and said he didn’t really have anyone here to talk to about it unfortunately. Then he laughed and said he really couldn’t talk to people he knows about a lot of things in our lives. And so my brain went on…
Like all of us, we have a normal muggle life. It takes up most of our days and nights. We have a business, we have friends, we have kids, we have Snake’s father and stepmother, etc., etc., etc. Amazingly, excluding the usual jokes and innuendos, we don’t discuss sex with them.
It can be tough to sustain any number of these lifestyle changes that we collectively write about in the “kink” world. I look around and it’s impossible not to see the blog carnage from those who start, then get swept up in life.
I think one of the things that we turn to some of these “activities” for (certainly chastity and FLR) is to reclaim our life a bit. We can all get so stuck in life that we run out of time. It seems that one of the first things to be sacrificed is our love life, our partner. We are in this together, so let’s stay busy on life to get through it… – but this can lead to giving up time and attention that relationships need.
Not in a space alien way (although that finger on E.T. is suspicious), but in a kink-way.
Do you ever find yourself people-watching and wonder “hey, I wonder if they do fun kinky stuff?”
I find myself wondering this a lot more than I probably should. For us, we’ve had inklings about being a bit more on the fringes all along, but never embraced and really explored “this whole thing.*” So I look around and see these people who seem vanilla and sigh. Honestly, there are times when I’d love to stand up on a table and just yell,
“Wake up people! There is so much to experience and do and so much you can bring into your sensual life!”
Continue reading “Do you ever wonder? Are we alone? (Random Thoughts)”
I thought I’d give my side of Snake’s post yesterday about learning what pushes his subby buttons. He mentioned his morning inspection, which is really more teasing than inspection, and the fantasy stories that he writes for me. I think last weekend was really what put him in his mental space this past week.
I am continuing to learn about what pushes my buttons in this new(er to us) lifestyle. I wrote before about the “subbie” energy and how, I believe, you pull it from the things that happen, and the relationship, rather than have it necessarily instilled in you by your Domme. I do think it’s comes from a whole range of things and I’m finding that it’s also a combination of things that really pushes things over the top. Do I love it when I’m pushed by Charmer to do things that I wouldn’t be otherwise doing? You bet. No question.
But I also love it when there are a bunch of little things that constantly keep pecking at the relationship.
There has been a lot of blogging lately about how subs can be made to feel submissive. Several people have talked about more discipline, several have talked about more verbal commands and Snake made his feelings known last week.
There are so many posts on what makes a Domme. If you do x, you aren’t really a Domme. If you don’t do x, you aren’t really a Domme. It’s the fantasy version of the woman in black leather holding handcuffs and a whip. It’s not reality. Sure, there is probably leather, handcuffs and whips in many of our arsenals. But I think those are tools, not the actual domination.
There have been a few different posts by other bloggers lately talking about their desire to re-acquire that submissive feelings and attitude they crave. The blogs are extremely popular and are amazing resources. I have HUGE respect for these blogs and mean no ill-intent at all in this post. This is just my take and my thoughts on the topic.
I read these posts with great interest. I have to admit, I also read them and reacted one way initially, another way after having thought about it some more, and then have settled into a pretty surprising realization in yet another direction since. Talk about food for thought.
It’s has even lead to several discussions between Charmer and myself about this.
On the face of it, it seems like they’re demanding how they want their Dominant to act toward them. In my opinion, they’re essentially topping from the bottom on how they want the Dominant to act.
The general gist of the posts was talking about how their Domme (the lead posters are both male subs) needs to step up her declarations of power over them. They were saying that those displays of power (telling them what to do, being more clear on their dominance, etc.) were what they needed from the relationship so they could feel that submissive feeling.
For me, this is the wrong approach to getting this feeling of being the /s/ in the relationship. I have found that when I look for the guidance, for things like “orders” or more stringent interactions, while they’re there, it’s not where I draw my submissive energy from in the relationship.
I try really hard to draw my energy from her feelings, not her actions. If I’m doing everything I can to help out, to give her what she needs, etc, she’ll be in a great place. If I respond to requests quickly, always open doors, do all of those things (chivalry, helping, doing my part, taking things off her plate of stuff to be done), she’ll be happy with the help, happy with the situation. THAT drives my subbie buttons.
It’s not really her standing over me demanding things. It’s a feeling of knowing what I can do to help her. To do things for her. A perfect example is baths. I draw her bath, get her a drink, her kindle, make sure she has bath bombs, towels, etc. She gets time to read and I get time to get the bedroom ready for bed time. I draw a lot of /s/ energy from that, knowing that I just know how to help her.
I don’t think it’s the responsibility of the dominant partner to find things to demand. To find things to force their dominance on you about. I think it’s their place to indicate what they need, to deal with it if it’s not done (or done to their liking), and to make decisions, choose direction, etc. Those are FLR and D/s things that are clearly in their wheelhouse. But I don’t think they have to constantly be looking for ways to flex their muscles just to generate /s/ feelings for the submissive partner. I think that’s unrealistic.
Again, this is just my experience, but it’s important to draw energy from their feelings, not their actions. How do they feel? How do they like how you’re doing things, how things are set up? You can draw incredible energy from that and I think that’s a much better place to get the energy.
I saw a post a while ago where one person was coaching another just getting rolling with D/s dynamics. The important take-away was one quote that “it’s not about you.” (paraphrased) – it’s not about the submissive partner, me. It IS about the dominant partner, in my case, her. I have to keep that in mind, and keep that as my goal. Then, when I succeed at that goal, I get the reward of the wonderful submissive warm and fuzzies.
I know Snake is frustrated about the healing time of his PA. It has been three weeks today and he is mentally raring to go. He wore the Steelheart for a couple of days after it arrived because, after all, it is new and shiny. He also isn’t completely healed, has a larger than necessary ring and ended up with a small cut that needs to heal. So, he is free for the last couple of days and being very impatient. He has decided that it needs to be done so his body just needs to get with the program. I can’t blame him. I’m the person who feels personally offended by my body if it succumbs to a cold.
While part of his frustration is lack of teasing that he is used to, I think a bigger part is that he wants to let me have whatever I want. We might have gone through a dry period before we started all of our FLR and D/s activities, but now that is over. Thankfully.
We have a private blog that we write to each other daily and there is an orgasm log on it. He started the count on January 27th of this year and so far he has amassed 8. Those are real ones and don’t include the 5 ruined ones. Using those numbers, Snake averages about one every week and a half. He did have one two weeks ago so he isn’t completely chaste, but it has been a while. Enough of a while that when I decided to play this morning during his inspection, he was more than ready. However, due to a punishment, he owes me a few more orgasms before he can come.
We’ve had a really busy and tiring couple of weeks and given the choice between sleeping and playing, well, sleep won. Snake was starting to get worried that things were sliding back. It really had nothing to do with not being horny. So, he was quite happy when I told him yesterday that we didn’t have plans and that I was ready for some attention. A nice bubble bath and then time to up my count on the orgasm log. And even if Snake is still healing there, he still upped my count by 19. Not too shabby. My count is 185 since the end of January so I guess my average is about 18 per week. I still think we need to work on that, Snake. 🙂
So, while he is frustrated and feeling like things will never be back to normal, my job is to give him some outlet for his frustration and remind him that this is a journey. Life will occasionally get in the way, the PA will take some time to heal but we are still moving forward and having a lot of fun.
One of the things Charmer and I do to help in the communications area is to journal to each other every weekday. We have a private blog that we write posts on to each other. Mine are due by noon and hers include feedback and responses to mine, plus her own thoughts. It’s been an excellent tool, in a private, passworded forum.
One thing is abundantly clear. I overthink. And then I overthink some more. If you read my posts, you’d see that I’m constantly in a place where I’m asking things like
It’s constant. From my feelings about D/s to how the FLR works to play time, I’m the one constantly trying to figure out the WHY or the feelings behind it. So much so that I’ve taken to exclaiming “(GAH!)” every time I write “the way I feel about this is…” It’s actually getting kind of comical. Charmer is left to remind me over and over “Does it matter why? Just let it be and go with it!” Not that she doesn’t care, not at all, just that I need to learn that some things just… are.
For example, if you’ve seen the Submissive Guy comics, I love ’em. They show how the character loves the dynamic of the relationship. It’s the whole point of the comics, really. Leave it to me to constantly question “but WHY does it (being the /s/ in this whole thing) feel right?” Of course I usually follow up with “Is that normal?” Then, for some reason I have to sit and analyze and think through and come up with my thoughts on why this-or-that may be happening.
Charmer? Not a chance. “Oh, I like when we try this or make these changes or add this to the FLR or that cage or…”
I see this on some other blogs too – one person is constantly in analysis mode, the other is just “eh, whatever.”
I think this may be one of the biggest impediments to FLR for people. We spend so much time fighting a tendency that we may have toward incorporating a female led relationship that we don’t give ourselves the chance to just let it be. I don’t know if it’s society that puts that pressure on, or our own thoughts and feelings (GAH!) or what it is, but it’s a pretty big leap, at least for me, to take.
In the last 16 or so months, I’ve worked quite hard to settle into the new dynamic. Every time I just go with it, it rolls along almost magically. It’s peaceful, it’s “right.” Then, when I realize it’s happening, I have to sit back and try to figure out why it would make such a difference in my mind and in our relationship. I can’t just let it be. I have yet to figure out the why. But that’s OK.
I love taking care of Charmer, making sure she has what she needs and letting her manage the house, our lives and such. She’s amazing at the juggling act it requires on the homefront. From family to our own hobbies to us. I feel like it’s my job to facilitate that and make that as doable as possible. When we’re both firing on all cylinders, there’s nothing quite like it.
And lately, as this all settles into place quite nicely, this happens much more often than not. That’s a pretty amazing place to be.
Now if I can just figure out why it took so long to figure out we needed this change. Any why we like it so much. And why it works so well…