The prompt for “Food for Thought” this week is mistakes. Had me thinking about all the things I’ve learned about our FLR that I didn’t expect, about the whole D/s side of our lives that we’re always tuning and tweaking…
Charmer and I have a fairly well established FLR – and, as they say in that one movie about wars in the stars, “The D is strong with this one!” (OK, no, they don’t say that, but…) Which means it’s really better described as a D/s FLR.
But when it comes to mistakes, I’d say one of the biggest, cards on the table, real-world things I’ve done and goofed up was guessing at what she wanted, based on what I thought she wanted and what I’d seen “out there.” I’ll explain…
Many times, we’ve started with a new change, a new rule, modifications, whatever. I’ve THOUGHT I understood she wanted “X” because “that’s what all the ladies want” – but of course I missed the mark. One of these is doing things I’ve been asked to take over, even when she wants to deal with them. This is a hard one, yo!
There will be a thing – perhaps cleaning up, that I’m responsible for. But, if she’s wanting to help out, or do the thing, it’s not my place to take it, just because I am supposed to. This rubs the Domme feathers in all the wrong ways and usually ends up in not so much fun time. If she’s doing the thing, the mistake thing, the wrong thing for me to do is forcible take it away just so I can do the job or take care of the situation.
Slowly, I’m learning to ask, to follow, to not assume, to not demand that I do something, even if it’s my thing to do. And, if she’s doing it, because I did it wrong, or didn’t do it, my taking it away and trying to recover it just isn’t going to end well in the medium term.
These are small examples, but the mistake I made, I’d say, in our FLR that has shone through over and over again is to assume that rules are rules, to assume that I know intent of a situation that is unexpected, to assume I know what she wants, rather than ask. Or, better yet, support, follow and assist as requested. Not in a puppy-dog way, but in a way that helps in what she’d like to see happen.
If I’d known this, been aware of it, adopted it early on, I’d not STILL BE LEARNING IT… Though I do feel like I’m getting much better, I do still absolutely make mistakes on this one.
I was nodding along as I read this one, not from an FLR point of view, but just from a people point of view. I’ve been on both sides of assuming in a relationship and it’s never ended well. Awareness and learning though are awesome things though, as is sharing, which I am very glad you did 🙂 Floss x
A work in progress, for sure. 🙂 Thanks!
I think that this may have been one of the hardest things to come to understand as a sub. Second guessing or assuming what’s in a domme’s mind is going to end in tears of some sort. And it comes from the desire to please, to be helpful and take some of the burden. To find you’ve overstepped can be a devastating come down.
melody x
I must say that I am so naive to terms within out community and just looked up FLR – that was interesting in it self. Suddenly I think maybe my relationship is that type – except I like to be dominated in the bedroom.
As to the assume thing – we all do it – and i suppose that’s why communication is so vital what ever your relationship type
So glad you joined Floss and I for #f4tFriday this week 😉
Indeed we do – it helps most to me to be aware of it and fight back against that whole assumption thing. 🙂