When I first started thinking about this prompt, all of the quotes talked about making sure you have low expectations to avoid being hurt or disappointed. While that way be true for the “outer world,” I don’t want to live that way within our marriage and dynamic.
We don’t have a written contract. We tried that at the beginning. I’m not anti-contract, but I am anti-contract for me within our D/s.
It started as a logical step. What you expect, what I expect, limits, etc. But then situations kept coming up that were outside the parameters. At first, he (he is usually the documenter of all the D/s logs and such) changed and added and looked for other contracts online that might be better.
For us, it came down to the fact that our D/s is 24/7/365 and no contract can cover all of these things. It also came down to the fact that we love and respect each other and want the other one happy and fulfilled. That pretty much covers the limits and rules that the contract was going to cover anyway.
So, we are contractless. That leaves the flexibility for life changes and allows us to grow as people as well as dominant and submissive.
All of this said, we both have expectations. [I’m hoping Snake will have time to write his own post on the prompt and outline his side of things.] What are my expectations?
I expect him to be honest with me at all times. This includes during play–“Can I tap out” when it isn’t a safeword, but he’s just not feeling it. It includes when his job gets crazy and he can’t get all of his usual chores done and he needs help. It means blogging to me privately about things that he thinks he wants to try or that he thinks I might like to try.
I expect him to accept help when he needs it. This is a work in progress. Snake would do anything for me. He takes care of most of the chores around the house on a daily basis. I usually do the cooking because I work from home and it is easier for me to do it. Twice a week we have dance that leaves just enough time for him to get home, us to eat quickly and head out. We would have to eat after if he had to cook and I would be hangry.
When work comes up and he doesn’t have the time to take out the garbage, for instance, I do it. I would prefer that he ask but if it needs to be done, I do it. If I do when he is here, sometimes he’ll be on the phone or on the computer, he gets upset that I “had” to do his job. I didn’t have to. I chose to do a thing that keeps our household running. So, accepting help is expected and we are working on that.
I expect him to be respectful, even if we are disagreeing. Not easy at times because we are both fiery people. Again, it is much better and expected, but no expectation is ever perfect. But, the respect has to go both ways. I respect his opinions and want to hear them. See above, truth…
I expect him to help me with my/our goals. Some of these he totally takes control of after I tell him what I want, such as the backyard project and some of the interior projects. Others are things that we work together to achieve. Some of our goals are stretches, such as the goal for my O’s being at 1000 this year, with him having a similar number of edges and a fractional number of ruined and full ones. Expectations are that we work together for a common goal, but that doesn’t mean some of them can’t be fun and kinky.
I expect him to trust me, just as I trust him. This runs the gamut of feelings to actions to outside relationships. Without this trust, none of the rest of the marriage or D/s would thrive.
Mostly, I expect his love and affection. I expect him to drive me crazy goofing around at dance, drive me nuts with random noises or singing in the car and make me roll my eyes at his “dad” jokes. But this is the best expectation of all.
So, back to the quote. I did finally find one that I like about expectations.
Become aware of your negative expectations and practice replacing them with positive expectations.Debbie Ford
And that’s what I want for us…positive expectations. I don’t want to expect to be hurt and disappointed. I want to expect love and happiness as much as possible.