W is for Waves

I love the ocean. Actually, I love watching the ocean, walking along the beach in ankle-deep water, and listening to the ocean. Swimming in it? Not really.

I think watching the water is probably one of the big reasons that I love going on cruises. Snake and I will sit for hours as the ship moves from port to port, watching the water. Sometimes it is barely moving and other times the waves move the ship up and down like a toy. Sometimes the entire ship shakes with the force of the waves–that was the case when we went through a cyclone between New Zealand and Australia in 2017.

I think that the ocean and waves are akin to my own personal growth. Sometimes they recede like the tide going out and there are other times when they jump forward with such force that I can’t keep up with the changes.

This year has had a little of both pieces. I’ve struggled with the loss of control over pieces of my life. It doesn’t matter how much I rationally understand the lockdowns and inability to do what I am used to doing. My inner self fights against the restrictions and I struggle. I tend to either strike out at whatever is closest in anger or retreat to a book or video game where I can lose myself when this happens. The tide ebbs and there’s not much positive in the personal growth department.

I pulled back from blogging because I wasn’t “doing” anything and felt complete writer’s block. I kept up online friendships but that was about the extent of what we usually do online.

Once Snake was able to go back to the office, things eased a bit. There was a little more “normal” in our abnormal life. In the middle of July, we moved our office where he works into a bigger space. He involved me in the plans, including modifications to the space, and we shopped for the items necessary for it. This helped a little and I started feeling a little more me. Still missed our date nights out, but things were improving.

Restaurants started reopening here in Arizona at the end of May. Tucson luckily has had a lot fewer cases then the hotspots that were in the news in Phoenix. We waited about 3 weeks and then decided that we would try a small local place for date night. It was definitely strange, but it felt so amazing to eat out. We felt safe and that things were being done carefully.

Since then we have gone out four more times. Not our usual weekly, but every 2-3 weeks. With one exception, they were all really good experiences. People were wearing masks and being careful.

So the wave has started to grow. I have no idea what the new normal will be, there will be obvious changes, but we’ve started to explore again. Play again. Write again.

“Don’t worry if you’re making waves simply by being yourself. The moon does it all the time.”

Scott Stabile

I think that is why the lockdown really affected me/us. I’m used to making waves and moving. They might be tiny or monstrous, but they are there. My wave machine felt off because we couldn’t do the “us” things. We’ve never been people who stayed at home all of the time.

But…the machine is back on and we are ready to create a few waves. Maybe we’ll even figure out how to conjure up a cyclone.