Topping from the Bottom is the adversary to D/s and FLR type arrangements. I pretty firmly believe this to be the case in so many ways.
I’m not talking about this from a preachy – one true way – standpoint, but rather from a position of “you have to let it work, let it evolve, let it become your own unique thing.”
I think one of the things to keep in mind in a relationship is that everyone comes at things with a different mindset. A different set of goals. Different ideas. Sometimes we get impatient and want to overlay our own expectations and goals on the other person and, in an FLR or D/s type relationship (or even scene), this can cause havoc with the other person.
What I’ve seen, heck, what I’ve DONE when I don’t keep a check on myself, is that I push my expectations on Charmer for a given thing and them BOOM! She’s left wondering A) exactly who’s in charge here, B) whether her ideas were ok, and C) (worse) whether I’m really engaged and interested in doing this thing.
This doesn’t have to be on a big overall thing either – it’s not just “how does your relationship function” basis, but also on a very specific basis. Yes, you need to have consent in all directions all the time. But that doesn’t mean that you should worry about details and implementation every step of the way.
As I like to say, think about the objectives at as high a level as possible, not the steps to get there if the steps are taken care of by someone else. TFTB is really trying to micromanage and control things that should not be micromanaged or control by the submissive partner… at all.
When you can get yourself to let go, and believe that the other person has it together and is going to do it their way (geez, cue the “I did it myyyyyy waaaaaaayyyy” music) you can let their flare, their specific things come into play.
That’s when it gets magical for everyone. That’s when the Dominant partner starts to get even more energy back from things, starts to explore even more, starts to push forward.
It’s never perfect. I’ll always goof up and overstep, or make some offhand comment or suggestion in an attempt to drive things, but I keep at it. I KNOW what it’s like when the other person is in their element. I KNOW the things Charmer comes up with when she knows she’s got this.
Which, ya know, can be scary and good and tasty and sexy and fun and …
Just don’t stop believin’ (yes, now you’re singing that song too…. I hope)