My Attic

It is so hard to describe the crazy out of control feelings that you are sure that you are the only one who experiences and feel like a complete freak at time when reality doesn’t matter to your brain.

Or is that just me?

One person’s craziness is another person’s reality.     

Tim Burton

I don’t know if what helps me is what helps other people. I know that Snake is the person who helps even when he doesn’t understand. Things like

• Going back in the house after he has seen me check that the stove is off or my rollers are unplugged or whatever else gets stuck in my head that is going to be catastrophic if it isn’t checked. Willingly and without making me feel silly.
• Just taking on any phone call that he possibly can knowing that having to make a phone call is something not in my wheelhouse unless it is an emergency.
• Offering to come home whenever there is a strong thunderstorm because it terrifies me after having the house struck, twice while I was home.
• Figuring out how to jump start a car without me, knowing I have an irrational fear of the car blowing up
• Making sure that I have a book to read if we are driving one particular two lane road that scares the shit out of me so I am distracted and don’t show up stressed out.
• Going out for food if we are traveling because my blood sugar is low and he has figured it out before I have.
• Patiently waiting while I retie, adjust the tongue, pull up my sock and generally fuss with my dance shoes five times before we can start our lesson.
• Knowing that the smell/noise/lights/heat/people, etc., is getting to me and find a place where I can recharge before we go back.

There are so many others but, I guess, for me, it is simply knowing that he doesn’t think I’m a pain–most of the time, anyway–and he doesn’t make fun of my reactions. He will make excuses that don’t draw attention to me and make sure that I have what I need in order to feel not crazy.

My attic is full of pages, full of crazy
Cluttered spaces that you could not cross
My attic is full of bones and full of hopeless
Young emotions that just won’t grow up

I keep hiding the keys in all these
Places even I can’t find
Hoping, one day, you’ll find them all
And I wanna let you see inside my attic

My Attic–P!nk

He sees inside all of my hiding places, finds the keys and still loves me.