Pain is Confusing

I’ve written before that pain is this thing that I, at least, have this love/hate relationship with.  It’s really odd to me that at times when things are NOT going on, it’s this “aw, that was so nice!” and then you think about these romanticized memories of what went on.

In reality, it was more like “Mother-trucker!  That hurt!!!  @#^%@#%”

I don’t know about you, but I have this ongoing dialog in my head about why that is.  I mean, “Hey, can you please beat up on me” is not what I’d call a common internal or external discussion to have.  And yet…I think it has something to do with pulling everything in to being in the moment… and that moment only.  It’s incredibly powerful.  There isn’t a single thing outside that space that is going through my head in that moment.

It’s anticipation of the SWOOSH.

Then, anticipation of the connection.

Then I know.  I just know that that sensation of the sting is headed for my head.  It’s like watching a train wreck you just can’t look away from.  It’s something you know is going to happen.  But it happens in this slow motion thing where the world slows down and speeds up, all at once.

And as soon as the impact is over.  Within a second or two even, you want to give more.  To make it possible to have more taken from you.

Sometimes in that moment, that “please take more” moment, I find myself flipping around and looking at myself from the outside in. It’s one of those “what is the deal with you anyway?!?” things.

But then I see her eyes.  I see her smile.  It’s not a maniacal smile or a cutting or evil look in her eyes.  It’s energy.  It’s lust.  It’s trust.  It’s control.  It’s pushing.  It’s feeding off me, off her.  But it’s this overflowing energy that helps you know that you, as the /s/ in the D/s relationship right at that instant – you’re doing a good thing and you’re doing what you should be.

It’s a huge rush and it pulls you forward, it makes you crave giving it.  It makes you crave her taking it.  It makes you want more and more.  It’s powerful.

The same is true of other marks – biting, hickeys, scratches.  I feel like I’m not actually this massive masochist (I’m sure some are shaking their heads and laughing… yeah, right), but that whole transaction that takes place between a willingness to provide, and a willingness to TAKE by force.  It’s this incredibly powerful thing between people, between her and me.

The rest of the world can melt away in a flash and the only thing left standing is this massive ball of energy flowing back and forth, into and out of the two of us in that moment.

THAT is what my brain is talking about.  THAT is what is being romanticized, at least for me, in this D/s relationship.