About two weeks ago I wrote about my thoughts when we first started using THE CAGE….I don’t know why but for some reason it always seems like it needs a booming voice to say that.
I talked about the history of our use of THE CAGE–see, you are doing it in your head now too, aren’t you?–and opened up a whole new question set. I said that we didn’t think anything would really change and left it there. Since then there have been a couple of questions about what changed so I’m going to try to talk about that in some coherent way. No promises.
First of all I should say that we, and especially I, are not big on trying to turn the sparkly, Domme-y, subby, aprons and crops pictures into our daily life. Don’t get me wrong–we both have Tumblr accounts and know how to use them. But THE CAGE, now I can’t stop doing that, was more intended initially for play, not to *live the fantasy.*
So, what changed in our relationship when it was added? It started as a power exchange. It wasn’t a case of Snake no longer running into the bathroom to masturbate. It was a case of him not assuming that he was going to be unlocked when we played. It was him not assuming that he was going to be allowed to come when we had sex. Very subtle at first and little baby steps. Denial was rare but it started, I can’t believe I’m saying this, the ball rolling.
Even with my strong dominant personality, I still struggled at the beginning. We’ve always had a reciprocal sex life so telling him *no* felt mean. But, each time I denied him, we both settled more into our roles. I would feel stronger in my dominance and be willing to try more. I could feel his submission growing with each time. It really was the catalyst that brought our D/s dynamic to life.
If we travel or there is some other reason why he can’t wear THE CAGE, now it’s just getting silly, we falter a little. He feels off. I feel off. We tend to squabble at each other for nonsense. It really is a physical manifestation of our dynamic. We have to work harder to keep it going and on track when it’s gone for some reason.
So, this pretty easily flows into the second question that we had. Since this is a big commitment to chastity 24/7/365, what made this stick? Really, it is the fact that it keeps feeding the D/s dynamic. We play with different wait times and have played several chastity games. Each one pushes his subby buttons and make him work to please me in the challenges. I try to push him beyond his comfort zone.
For us, the point of THE CAGE has always been control–orgasm control, certainly, but also relationship control. It all fits together in a way that keeps us happy and moving forward. We are both adrenaline junkies and tend to push limits. And once that one is broken through, we are looking for the next one. We are rarely content with the status quo and it is a daily reminder of our journey. Both where we have come from and where we still want to go.
Part two of that question was whether we had tried other things but didn’t commit in the same way. I asked Snake for help because I can’t think of anything. There have been things that we tried and didn’t like. When we do discipline it isn’t a weekly or monthly thing. I tend to change things up depending on my mood.
I am not a planner when it comes to play. At all. Snake is nodding his head vigorously while he’s reading this. I used the TENS last weekend but it might be months or days until I get in the mood again. Impact play can be any number of things depending on my mood. Sounding is another thing that we have done intermittently but we liked it.
So, I guess the long answer is that we really haven’t found anything that would fit in that category. Our commitment is to continue to explore our fantasies. I can’t even put it more concretely than that because it changes. Where we are today is miles beyond where we would have imagined two years ago. Each time that we try new things it opens up more ideas and questions. What about that? Have you seen this?
THE CAGE has really become part of *us.* Snake may wear it but it truly epitomizes what we truly are together. It is like his collar–it shows our commitment to continuing to talk and explore and push our boundaries.
Did I answer the questions? Or did I end up opening up another can of worms by saying something and not explaining it? I’m a pro at that…. 🙂