It’s really strange to be “my age” and be learning big things about yourself. Sure, no one likes to stop learning and I hope that it never happens, but to be having these pretty surprising things come up over and over again is pretty cool and remarkable.
We’re wrapping up our time in Vegas – a mini-vacation as we head into what will surely be a great time of year for us and the family, but will just as surely be a stressful one. It’s great to get away and goof off and just relax a bit. Hey, I even won $14.50 today on a slot machine. Can’t complain.
You may be tired of having me write about O-control and what I learn, but this stuff, to me, is bordering on epiphany stuff. During this time in Vegas, Charmer has been messing with me in all sorts of ways. The first night out alone she flipped the “me, not you” switch and enforced the denial portion of our dynamic. But something is changing and this was the first time I’d seen this in myself.
There we were, rockin’ and rollin’ – really having a great time and all that. I was in full lizard-brain mode and loving every minute. Truth be told, I was also convinced I was going to be allowed to come. If you do this power-play stuff, you know there’s a difference between knowing (assuming) you’ll be able to come and when you’re sure you won’t. It’s just… different. I don’t mean this in a selfish way, but just in a mental state. I was sure. Positive. [SSC: I have no idea why you were so sure. I’m sure that I told you earlier that night that I wasn’t going to let you come.]
She was controlling everything, but the intensity level was over the top. I was climbing this hill, expecting to “take the hill” as they say and enjoying every. single. minute. of it.
As always, when the time was nigh, I asked if I would be able to come. I thought this was rubber-stamp time. It was in the bag. Well, as you saw if you read her post, it wasn’t. The answer was a simple, direct, to the point, “No.” Like I mentioned, much of this is in her post, in lusty, wonderful detail.
But what happened to me was shocking. I was there. Right on the edge. Wanting, clawing to tip over the edge. Then, “No.” I was scared that I had gone too far. Couldn’t stop. Partly because she wasn’t stopping… THAT is really tough to get through. But as soon as she said “No,” my whole insides stopped the climb. I had no control over it. Nothing to say about it. It was very much like I was a puppet. She’d flipped the switch off.
Sure, I wanted to, wanted to badly, in fact. And to come down far more rapidly, while she hadn’t stopped a thing, only said the word, was a crash. But there was simply no getting there from here. It wasn’t going to happen, and I didn’t stop it; she did. What is that about?!?
And this didn’t happen only once. It happened multiple times (at least 7). Each time, running up to the edge. Then “No.” Then all hell … stopped.
Here’s another thing. A secret if you will (don’t tell Charmer). I had, at one point, decided “screw it. I’m going for it. I’m in full animal mode and my mind is losing to my instincts, what’s the worst that could happen??” [SSC: Let’s just say that you have a really good idea what would happen. Remember the five ruined ones in very fast succession last time?] So I went after it – not in a bratty way (though admittedly in an embarrassingly selfish way) but rather just full lizard mode. I feel like a terrible sub for admitting it, but there it is. I was weak.
Got to the very precipice. I even waited longer to tempt the gods over the edge.
IT ALL STOPPED AGAIN. I swear, it’s like a power switch. Weirdest thing. Unsettling thing. I was fully thwarted. And it repeated again the next night.
It’s very disconcerting to have that happen actually. I was really proud of myself for the control, REALLY proud, but afterward, after I had time to think about it, it kinda freaked me out a bit, I’m not gonna lie.
I’m not pretending I’m perfect in my control, or in managing the lizard brain side of the world (BTW, thanks to Thumper for that reference, it’s a perfect description). I’m getting better. But to feel like someone else is at the controls, that you’re very much a bit of a puppet to their control is … an surprising thing to learn and odd to be able to trust in. It’s pretty damn amazing.
For the record, the inverse of all this is true too. When she did allow it and I had a “yes,” I didn’t know so was holding back a little, assuming in the other direction that the answer would be no. But there it was, a yes. I even re-asked just to make sure I’d heard right. Then, it was like she’d hit the accelerator. All of a sudden I was out of control in the other direction. Within 30 seconds I was crashing over the top, where I thought I was completely workin’ the situation. Not so.
So yeah, puppet it is, I guess.