On Being Horngry

Denial and orgasm control are funny things.  With a cage, enforced chastity becomes a thing of power exchange and control.  She holds the power to grant or deny orgasms, period.  Yes, I realize it doesn’t *require* a cage, but I can tell you in times when the “game is afoot,” it sure makes things more clear.

I had a weird experience this last weekend in terms of learning to work through this whole control and power exchange thing we do.  We’d had a great day on Saturday, a lazy, relaxing evening and were just basically lounging around doing nothing in particular.  [SSC:  I was, however, sitting in a tight pair of jeans and knee-high boots that were driving him a little crazy.]   When we did retire for the evening, Charmer decided to punish me for being to suggestive throughout the day.  I was pretty surprised by this – but I couldn’t honestly tell if it was punishment, excuse or teasing.  Turns out it was more teasing than anything, but it sure worked.

She did edge me a few times, but really she got me just to the point of really getting into things and then… just stopped cold.  I don’t remember the exact words, but it was something to the effect of “too bad you bugged me so much today; I was going to do so much more… But, sorry.   We’re done.”  And it was all over.

This is where my split personality kicks in.  Part of me is like “YES! I live for this stuff” and part of me is like, to put it bluntly, “WTF?!”  [SSC:  Definitely more WTF at that point.  The look on his face…]  I managed to maintain some outward composure, but I have to admit, inside, I was fighting very hard not to cross the line into angry territory. I didn’t understand what had just happened, didn’t expect it and clearly, didn’t want it.  But of course that’s not my choice either; I do get that.  And I want that.  And I crave that.  But still… something odd was going on.

Charmer’s been “playing” with me a lot more lately in terms of trying to understand what longer vs. shorter wait times do, more or less teasing, more or fewer orgasms, timing of them, etc.  It’s easy to watch for trends when the big “O” doesn’t happen as frequently, that’s for sure.

I remember when I first wrote about this, people just basically called me out, saying that, no matter what, it’s my responsibility to control whatever crash was going on.  Sure, I could experience it and it was real, but allowing it to rule the world is not cool.  I’ve been working really hard at that – first to understand what may happen, and then to figure out how I expect, recognize, control and be better for managing it.  I know, sexy, huh?! 🙂

But Saturday, I created a new word.  I’m sure you’ve heard of “hangry” – it’s when you get so hungry that you pass over into “I don’t really care WHAT you feed me, but you damn well better feed me now” territory when you’re over-hungry.  It’s a great, descriptive word.

I, however, was not hungry (for food at least), I was over the line interested in more though, so I came up with Horngry.  [SSC:  Love it!]  I’m sure you can imagine where that came from and what it means.  I hope we’ll soon see it in the dictionary for all to read and understand.

horngry
/hore-n-gree/

adjective -grier, -griest

1. jocular irritable, as a result of feeling horny.
Origin: blend of horny and angry, first originated at steeledsnake.com

So there I was grumbling, wanting more.  But I pushed it all down inside and started to feed on it a bit.  I won’t say “and I lived happily ever after” but I didn’t start bawling either, which is close to where I was in terms of wanting to beg, plead and grovel.  The grin on Charmer’s face as we tucked in for the night didn’t help that much.  [SSC:  Sorry.  OK, not really. Was really gloating a bit.]  I knew she was enjoying it and I had better figure out a way to get things under control.

The next morning, I could feel the subbie-mindset flowing rampantly through me.  I was fighting with still being horngry, but also could feel it feeding this other side of me.  I could also more rationally think about things and try to understand this side of me.  I was pretty flush with over-thinking exactly what did and was happening.

But Charmer knows me.  I have come to appreciate, if not fully understand, some of these more stark resets that she creates.  I’m certainly happy it doesn’t happen all the time (I’d be a slobbering, thumb-sucking, useless person sitting in the corner rocking slowly back and forth if she did), but am thankful for the resets, believe it or not.  [SSC:  I’m glad that you are thankful.  You know, since I’m going to do it whether you like it or not.  Besides, I didn’t even really know what I was planning that night because that’s how I roll.]

It’s a bit like running some sort of “cleanse” – from time to time it just really resets my mindset, ups the overall FLR and D/s power structure and confirms that we’re doing the right thing.  This stuff just makes me purr…. even if I’m inventing new vocabulary for describing it.