What the F*ck is Wrong with Me?

That’s what I ended up asking Charmer at the end of our time together over the weekend.  It was about 4:30a, and we’d just been through a very intense time together.

Let me rewind a bit.

She’d been accumulating infractions and been teasing the idea of trying out some of her new implements that she’d had me order.   A couple of paddle-type implements, a crop, a strap and even a cat-o-nine tails.   She’d done research and found these were a good cross-section of different implements and that each had different, well, impact.  [SSC:  Side note:  We had also just rocked our first serious solo dance performance in front of friends and family. ]  After binge-watching a few shows earlier in the evening, it came to after midnight and she told me to go get things ready for her.

Now, you have to know that I was both interested and terrified of these toys.  “Toys” doesn’t seem to really do it – these were really well made, which means they’d stand up to use, which means they’d stand up to me… and the cat – well, it’s a beautiful item, but the thought of what amounts to whipping was scary.  Our only prior experience was a passing experience with several swats, just to break the ice and see if she liked the prospects of it.  She did.  So this was not only the first time out of the gate in the “for real” territory, but also coming to grips with what she’d purchased.

I asked to be restrained because I was afraid of embarrassing myself thrashing around.  I didn’t realize that that would push the “activate” button on the Domme-space cycle for her.  But in retrospect, it was the point where the evening went from “we need to take care of these infractions” to “I’m going to own you tonight.

So, there I was, face down, almost entirely immobilized.  I had laid out the various tools for her and I was going through my “what the hell am I doing!?” phase.

[SSC:  I’m going to take over for a piece because apparently the night was a little bit of a blur.  There were 13 infractions so I told him that he was going to get three swats for each one.  I started with one of the paddles, went on to the strap, used the crop and then back to the paddle for the rest.  He was such a pretty shade of red when I was done.]

Then she disappeared.  I didn’t know for sure where or why.  I couldn’t really move to get a view in any direction.  But she was gone.  I was left to sit [SSC:  “technically” lay there]  and spin in my head about this thing we do, and what was coming to happen next.  Suffice to say I didn’t waste any time doing just that – my mind was racing.  She came back and had the harness on, she alternated between slow and quick thrusts… then she’d stop and smack me with different toys.

A bunch was going on here.  I’ve said before that these times are a great escape.  They pull me 100% present and to the moment.  I can tell you from the time she first started with the strap-on, and particularly with the first impact, I was *fully* present.

She alternated with different implements, then she’d get after me with the strap-on.  My ass was on fire, but it radiated into me.  I could feel the impact, and, while it smarted, it wasn’t pain after a very short while, it was something else.  Not sub-space, but something else.  It was really strange.

You may have heard about prostate orgasms (or any number of other terms for them) and I can tell you, they’re a thing.  I’ll have to write more about what we’ve learned here, but she is getting to the point where she can cause these in a number of ways, one is the strap-on, and that was the method of choice on this night.  I’ve read that multiple orgasms are possible, and yes, yes they are.  I rolled through 7 in that evening.   7!

I’m saying this not as a brag, but to say that it’s a thing. It’s worth investigating, for sure.   The hardest part is being open to it (sorry, just being honest) and once you get past that hurdle, all sorts of things are possible.

I was in my Steelheart for all of this, but the sensations are intense and longer-lasting, and they rock through you.  Charmer has taken to re-starting sometimes before one orgasm has even fully-passed.  That’s what she was doing this night, pushing as far and intensely as she could.  It’s a big blur of these very different, very intense orgasms, intermixed with smacks that turned to hits that turned to much more energetic strikes.  I’ll be honest though, still no cat impact, and it was in my mind as a thankful thing by that point.

Then she added in marks – bites, hickies and such – on my upper back.  I could tell they were intense, I could tell and feel that they were probably starting to draw blood a bit.  I wasn’t disappointed.  I was bouncing around in this bizarre mental space – I was actually looking for sub-space by this point, thinking it would be easier to take the smacks, and I wanted to take them, I wanted to be there for her, for us.  I wanted to show that I can do this for her.

And that, that was when I realized things were changing.  It was a completely different mindspace.  I *wanted*, badly, to increase the intensity, to show that I could be what she wanted.  I’ve read about this in stories, I’ve usually thought it was fantasy creeping into the story.  But I had crossed this weird line.

I wanted more.

I started asking for more.

That’s when the cat came out.  [SSC:  By the way, this is beautiful.  Just sharing…]  She used it on my back, on top of the bites and hickies and small cuts.  The feeling was amazing.  I could feel each of the leather arms hitting and I could register that “omigod, that should hurt like a mofo, especially on top of other stuff” but, in fact, it drove all of this energy into me.  I didn’t zone out, didn’t get glassy-eyed, just kept asking for more.  The cat delivered a weird thud on each tendril, a slap and thud that I could feel throughout me, that then just seemed to resonate with warmth through me.

It was the strangest sensation.  I was craving more.  I was literally asking and begging for more.  And I could hear myself saying this, while my brain was yelling out “are you nuts!?”  But that voice only appeared a couple of times.  It was silenced by the calm that was happening.   Such a strange and incredible sensation.

Afterward, we were laying together – the “are you nuts!?”  Started creeping back in.

I leaned back into Charmer and just asked her, “What the fuck is wrong with me?!?”

She just leaned in, kissed me and said “Nothing at all.

9 thoughts on “What the F*ck is Wrong with Me?

    • I’ve been so surprised by how different they ALL are. The smallest detail can make a complete difference in how it handles, or feels or whatever. And we’re by no means experts yet, so I can’t wait to learn more about it and see (ahem, FEEL) others. She can tell more from her standpoint, but I was just really surprised by the differences in seemingly similar actions.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. HOT!

    I find intense scenes hard to remember in a linear fashion, also. What I mostly get are individual memories of particular sensations and feelings.

    I’m not sure I believe that “subspace” is actually a thing, beyond a highly aroused state. I wonder if there is actually much commonality in the mental state experienced by different subs, or the same subs at different times. So when you say, “not sub-space, but something else,” I’d not at all be surprised if you were experiencing exactly the thing that other people describe as sub-space.

    For me, there are some common states of mind; maybe you’ll recognize some of them:

    – This hurts, why the hell do I think I like this? (Your “What’s wrong with me?”)
    – This feels good–more!
    – I DESERVE this–take THAT, me!
    – I HATE this AND I LOVE this! Please don’t ever stop.
    – I HATE this, and I WANT it to stop, but I WANT to please you more; PLEASE do it more!
    – You have me so far wrapped around your finger that I find this hilarious (Laughing during a hard beating is not recommended, as it eggs them on.)
    – I HATE this, and I WANT it to stop, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to end your fun

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the comment – I’ve wondered about sub-space – it surely seems to have different flavors for different times. I’ve been pondering a post about that very topic. Looks like I should perhaps dust off the bytes and see what comes of it.

      Like

  2. This makes me smile. My husband has described impact play very similarly, especially in the beginning. He would never describe himself as a masochist — that’s me, which confused me for a period of time — although he does look forward to and enjoys impact play. It took me awhile understand how he processed the pain of our play, primarily because it so different from how I did. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This makes me smile. My husband has described his experience, especially in the beginning, very similarly. While he would never say he’s a masochist — that’s me, which confused me for a bit — he does look forward to and enjoys impact play. I admit, it did take me awhile to trust he actually enjoyed our play since it didn’t function the same for him as it does for me. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

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