I thought I’d give my side of Snake’s post yesterday about learning what pushes his subby buttons. He mentioned his morning inspection, which is really more teasing than inspection, and the fantasy stories that he writes for me. I think last weekend was really what put him in his mental space this past week.
I am continuing to learn about what pushes my buttons in this new(er to us) lifestyle. I wrote before about the “subbie” energy and how, I believe, you pull it from the things that happen, and the relationship, rather than have it necessarily instilled in you by your Domme. I do think it’s comes from a whole range of things and I’m finding that it’s also a combination of things that really pushes things over the top. Do I love it when I’m pushed by Charmer to do things that I wouldn’t be otherwise doing? You bet. No question.
But I also love it when there are a bunch of little things that constantly keep pecking at the relationship.
We’ve just had an out-of-sorts week this week. It started off with a misstep, which caused a misunderstanding, which moved on to a full-scale argument. We rarely argue. We bicker. A lot. We regularly call each other rude names in public and freak other people out who don’t know that this is our silliness. We annoy each other like every married couple, but usually nothing really sticks.
Snake has a really slow fuse. I am explosive but then it’s over in 30 seconds. Our daughter is just like me and he is always amazed when we go from screaming at each other to giggling in no time flat. It’s just who we are. And our differences usually keep things calm because he just rolls his eyes at my rants and all is good. I’m his sounding board so he rarely gets too angry. When we start having hurt feelings and miscommunication, all bets are off.
There has been a lot of blogging lately about how subs can be made to feel submissive. Several people have talked about more discipline, several have talked about more verbal commands and Snake made his feelings known last week.
There are so many posts on what makes a Domme. If you do x, you aren’t really a Domme. If you don’t do x, you aren’t really a Domme. It’s the fantasy version of the woman in black leather holding handcuffs and a whip. It’s not reality. Sure, there is probably leather, handcuffs and whips in many of our arsenals. But I think those are tools, not the actual domination.
There have been a few different posts by other bloggers lately talking about their desire to re-acquire that submissive feelings and attitude they crave. The blogs are extremely popular and are amazing resources. I have HUGE respect for these blogs and mean no ill-intent at all in this post. This is just my take and my thoughts on the topic.
I read these posts with great interest. I have to admit, I also read them and reacted one way initially, another way after having thought about it some more, and then have settled into a pretty surprising realization in yet another direction since. Talk about food for thought.
It’s has even lead to several discussions between Charmer and myself about this.
On the face of it, it seems like they’re demanding how they want their Dominant to act toward them. In my opinion, they’re essentially topping from the bottom on how they want the Dominant to act.
The general gist of the posts was talking about how their Domme (the lead posters are both male subs) needs to step up her declarations of power over them. They were saying that those displays of power (telling them what to do, being more clear on their dominance, etc.) were what they needed from the relationship so they could feel that submissive feeling.
For me, this is the wrong approach to getting this feeling of being the /s/ in the relationship. I have found that when I look for the guidance, for things like “orders” or more stringent interactions, while they’re there, it’s not where I draw my submissive energy from in the relationship.
I try really hard to draw my energy from her feelings, not her actions. If I’m doing everything I can to help out, to give her what she needs, etc, she’ll be in a great place. If I respond to requests quickly, always open doors, do all of those things (chivalry, helping, doing my part, taking things off her plate of stuff to be done), she’ll be happy with the help, happy with the situation. THAT drives my subbie buttons.
It’s not really her standing over me demanding things. It’s a feeling of knowing what I can do to help her. To do things for her. A perfect example is baths. I draw her bath, get her a drink, her kindle, make sure she has bath bombs, towels, etc. She gets time to read and I get time to get the bedroom ready for bed time. I draw a lot of /s/ energy from that, knowing that I just know how to help her.
I don’t think it’s the responsibility of the dominant partner to find things to demand. To find things to force their dominance on you about. I think it’s their place to indicate what they need, to deal with it if it’s not done (or done to their liking), and to make decisions, choose direction, etc. Those are FLR and D/s things that are clearly in their wheelhouse. But I don’t think they have to constantly be looking for ways to flex their muscles just to generate /s/ feelings for the submissive partner. I think that’s unrealistic.
Again, this is just my experience, but it’s important to draw energy from their feelings, not their actions. How do they feel? How do they like how you’re doing things, how things are set up? You can draw incredible energy from that and I think that’s a much better place to get the energy.
I saw a post a while ago where one person was coaching another just getting rolling with D/s dynamics. The important take-away was one quote that “it’s not about you.” (paraphrased) – it’s not about the submissive partner, me. It IS about the dominant partner, in my case, her. I have to keep that in mind, and keep that as my goal. Then, when I succeed at that goal, I get the reward of the wonderful submissive warm and fuzzies.
The Prince Albert saga is heading toward normalcy now, but thought I’d pass along an update on my learnings. When I was considering this, it seems like you see a few different types of posts:
- I really, really, really want to get a PA, but I’m terrified of getting my junk pierced. Does it hurt?
- Typically in response to the one above, “No, go for it. It’s great!”
- Posts about the terror of getting it done. Often, these are linked to videos were you would think the entire lower body of the individual was being lopped off at once and re-attached during the piercing process. Not a good representation of the process, and alarmist, to say the least.
- Posts about the day after – “It was a bloodbath” was my favorite in this genre.
- Not much thereafter really.
So I wanted to try give some more information. When first pierced, I was given a 10g 7/8″ ring. Freakishly larger than I expected. As I mentioned, it was explained that this was just a starter. You can bet your sweet…. piercing it is. It’s large enough, actually, to cause issues, at least for me. The torque on the ring twisted it all around and caused more irritation than the basic piercing process. But, It wasn’t my call. Besides, let’s be real. When I was getting the piercing done, he could have told me he was going to thread a small, rusted, bent fishhook through and I wouldn’t have objected. I was too terrified. All for naught, but it’s the truth.
Quick side note, just to cover my back side. Never pierce your penis with a small, rusted, bent fishhook. It won’t end well. Oh, and while we’re at it, don’t put lead solder through your piercing to “keep it open” or stretch it. Yes, I’ve seen posts about this, believe it or not. These things are bad for you. Very bad idea. See a piercer, get medical implant grade metals, make sure it’s sterilized, etc.
Quick status. We’re now approaching 4 weeks in. Be sure to read the other posts about the PA experience, it’s been an interesting ride at times, but generally very straightforward. I’d agree with the second bullet above, “go for it.” It’s really cool and you’ll like it. A lot.
At about 2 1/2 weeks in, I finally decided I’d had enough with the big ring. But the piercer used a tool-required captured ball ring. This means you need to go back to the piercer to get it changed out (a good idea) or have the tools (in my mind, a better idea, so you can deal later) to do it yourself. There are a number of places that sell the funky tools – basically reverse pliers – you can even find them on Amazon (not an affiliate link/nor endorsement). They make removing the ball possible and even easy.
Original ring out, I had purchased an 8g and 6g ring (Titanium) from an online retailer and put in the 8g ring. Went in without a hitch and even had the presence of mind to buy one that didn’t require tools to put the ball back in (snap-in captured ball ring is what they call it). I also changed the ring size, down from 7/8 to 5/8. Seems like the most common sizes are 5/8 and 3/4. The right size depends on a) you, and b) the type of jewelry you’re putting in.
If you’re putting in a ring, you can be pretty close to the distance between your piercing and the urethra opening. I don’t have a curved barbell yet, but my understanding from reading and such is that you should likely go one size up (so 5/8 to 3/4 for example) for the distance between the end-cap balls. This is because the barbell “settles in” to your urethra differently than the ring does. It needs a bit more room. Feel free to add a comment if you have more experience with this, and I’ll update too as I try different things.
The other variable I’ve seen is the sizing on the end-cap balls. Don’t go small. You don’t have to put beach balls on there, but you don’t want tiny balls either. <Giggle. SSC> Yes, I realize how you’re probably reading this, but bear with me. If they’re too small, they can slip into the urethra and that’s “unpleasant.”
I’m now sitting in a 8g, itching to go to 6g when the stars align. The 8g is SO much more comfortable. The correctly sized ring is as well. It was an amazing difference with it in. At this point, from all I can tell, things are healed fully and just settling in. To me, the difference is *any* kind of pain or discomfort suggests healing – and that’s gone. It used to be uncomfortable with pressure on the ring, or moving it, etc. Not bad, just … odd. Now, it’s no longer the case at all. I call that healed. The settling in comes from now trying to get accustomed to a new chastity device (my next project) and letting my body tell me when it’s cool to go to the next gauge size.
The new Steelheart is incredibly well made, and I’m looking forward to the PA attachment it has. In the little experimenting I’ve done thus-far, it’s very comfortable and, yes, looks great too. I know, “patience young grasshopper.”
I’m so good at being patient waiting. I mean, it’s not like I have to constantly remind myself that I really don’t want to push this, that it needs to move along at its own pace. Oh yeah, I do have to keep remembering that. A good friend (DualDrew) let me know that I needed to wait about 6 weeks before really judging. Seems about right. But the payoff is that it looks really cool, feels great and soon, perhaps, Charmer will let me experience the other fun side of things… But that’s a different post.
Feel free to ask question, post ideas, post your own experiences. Of course everyone is different. But I keep hearing my piercer in my head:
It’s a really simple piercing. If all guys knew how simple it was, and how great it made sex afterward, I can guarantee you *everyone* would have one.
That’s pretty cool. Still waiting for my “welcome to the PA club membership card” though.
Most of you read our blog for our chastity and piercings escapades. Fair warning, this is just pure rant… 🙂
I am rather opinionated. 🙂 Usually only my family and close friends get to (are forced to?) listen to my rants. Believe me, there are plenty of them. The news gives me constant fodder for giving my opinions. The Internet is another great source. I don’t usually share most of these opinions online because I hate the “me too” posts.
Our business is web-based so Snake and I spend a lot of time online. We have had many years of experiencing the Internet in all of its good and bad parts. In general, I think it has opened up pieces of the world to people and made it a better place. I also think that it has given people the impression that they should opine on other people’s lives when it doesn’t affect them.
When I was in high school eons ago, I had a good friend who was bisexual. It didn’t matter to me. He was my friend. He was so confused by the mixed messages that he got that he was constantly flipping from being gay to being straight. He told me he had to pick one. When I asked him why he told me that it wasn’t right to be attracted to both sexes. At 17 I was the first person in his life who told him that it was ok.
I’ve been arguing for equal rights and gay marriage for over 30 years. Yes, you can do the math. 🙂 I could never understand why it was even an argument.
Snake and I are heterosexual and in a monogamous relationship. This is who we are. We are the “normal” couple. “Aren’t they cute? You two look like you are still so in love.” We are very much in love but I think most of our Muggle friends would drop their teeth if they ever looked in our toy box or realized that Snake wears a collar under his shirt daily. And, of course, is usually locked away.
I’ve given you some history to let you know that this isn’t a “revelation.” I was raised that unless you were paying someone’s bills, you didn’t get much say in how they lived. My marriage is strong. Opening up the gates to other people getting married won’t affect mine. But it affects so many other people and the attitudes affect even more.
Our daughter started questioning her sexuality at 12. Not a surprise to either one of us. She was president of the LGBT chapter at her high school. She has never hidden who she is. She has had relationships with men and women. She hates the label “bisexual” and refers to herself as queer. I don’t label her as anything besides my wonderful and sometimes infuriating daughter. She truly is an amazing person. She is accepting of other people and their beliefs. And yet, she has had so many ignorant and mean comments thrown her way.
Apparently, according to the masses, she just wants more people to screw (she’s actually been told this). She wants a monopoly on potential dates. She can’t be trusted because she will have sex with anyone. If someone asks her out, she has to be attracted to him/her because she is attracted to everyone. Women don’t want to date her because she’s been near a dick. Men have told her that she just hasn’t met the right man. She’s too pretty for…I could go on for pages. And most of these people don’t even know her or have any reason to care.
There have been a lot of nasty comments as responses to a number of blogs lately. I’m not going to be specific. The bottom line is that it isn’t right to push your beliefs on other people. The comments are on sex blogs. The people making the comments know what blog they are on. If you are offended by it, don’t read it. No one is forcing you to read them. But, before you decide to rip into someone, maybe think about the fact that these are human beings with feelings and have a right to live their own lives as they see fit. They aren’t being deceitful, they aren’t being promiscuous and they aren’t forcing you to join in.
They are also someone’s son or daughter. And maybe, one day, it will be you having to console your child when people are cruel because of the way they were born.
I know Snake is frustrated about the healing time of his PA. It has been three weeks today and he is mentally raring to go. He wore the Steelheart for a couple of days after it arrived because, after all, it is new and shiny. He also isn’t completely healed, has a larger than necessary ring and ended up with a small cut that needs to heal. So, he is free for the last couple of days and being very impatient. He has decided that it needs to be done so his body just needs to get with the program. I can’t blame him. I’m the person who feels personally offended by my body if it succumbs to a cold.
While part of his frustration is lack of teasing that he is used to, I think a bigger part is that he wants to let me have whatever I want. We might have gone through a dry period before we started all of our FLR and D/s activities, but now that is over. Thankfully.
We have a private blog that we write to each other daily and there is an orgasm log on it. He started the count on January 27th of this year and so far he has amassed 8. Those are real ones and don’t include the 5 ruined ones. Using those numbers, Snake averages about one every week and a half. He did have one two weeks ago so he isn’t completely chaste, but it has been a while. Enough of a while that when I decided to play this morning during his inspection, he was more than ready. However, due to a punishment, he owes me a few more orgasms before he can come.
We’ve had a really busy and tiring couple of weeks and given the choice between sleeping and playing, well, sleep won. Snake was starting to get worried that things were sliding back. It really had nothing to do with not being horny. So, he was quite happy when I told him yesterday that we didn’t have plans and that I was ready for some attention. A nice bubble bath and then time to up my count on the orgasm log. And even if Snake is still healing there, he still upped my count by 19. Not too shabby. My count is 185 since the end of January so I guess my average is about 18 per week. I still think we need to work on that, Snake. 🙂
So, while he is frustrated and feeling like things will never be back to normal, my job is to give him some outlet for his frustration and remind him that this is a journey. Life will occasionally get in the way, the PA will take some time to heal but we are still moving forward and having a lot of fun.
It’s like that Steve Martin movie, “the new phonebooks are here, the new phonebooks are here!”
Except in my case, it’s “the new chastity cage is here, the new chastity cage is here!”
The new Steelheart arrives from Steelworxx and it’s really an amazing piece of, well, almost art. It’s very sleek, the quality and fit/finish are excellent.
This is my third device. I’ve used the CB6000s, the Mature Metal Queen’s Keep, and now this Steelheart. I went to the Steelheart because of the new PA piercing, and their support of it with the “PA Fixing” piece.
I wore the CB6000s for about 90 days before it split… twice. Just thinking about getting caught up in a splitting cage was enough to give someone nightmares. I could just see waking up and looking down and, well, you get the idea. Enough of that.
The Queen’s Keep is another excellent piece. It’s exactly the same as the Jail Bird in my estimation, with the only difference being the added band at the base of the tube for the Queen’s Keep. You can see them here if you’re interested. Really great devices and I wore the Queen’s keep for almost exactly a year, 24x7x365 except for times when it just didn’t work (travel, play time, etc.). It worked out really well in all respects. My only issue was one of pulling to one side (my left) based on how you normally “dress.” It tended to pull at the skin around the base ring a bit if I didn’t get it just right. Certainly not an issue with the device. In fact, I think it came largely from my “settling in” to wearing a device full time.
I mention all of this as background. The Steelheart (SH) only arrived a day or two ago and I’ve been wearing it up until last night. (wow, long-term chastity, I know, I know.) Frustratingly, last night the PA fought back and I ended up removing the SH to allow for more healing time, which I apparently need for the PA. I am pretty certain the *incredibly massive and oversized starter ring* they gave me on the PA was to blame.
So, I’m wild and free again for a few days, then we’ll go back at it. My initial thoughts on the SH are:
- Holy cow, this is comfortable to wear!
- Um, well, er, bathroom runs are “different” now – with only one small hole in the end of the tube, liquid necessarily exiting the tube can get backed up, which is an odd thing. If you’re in a more relaxed (more flaccid) state than normal, it can REALLY back up and get things pretty wet. I don’t think I necessarily go more than others do in terms of volume, so it may be a technique thing I have to learn. We’ll see. I know you’ll be riveted to know that I’ll keep you posted.
- I LOVE an integrated lock.
- I miss the “click” of the padlock though. That was always fun.
- It’s weird to look down and see… chrome. Not a cage, but chrome. Cool.
I’m looking forward to more time in and more information about longer-term fit and wearing. All I need are my tools to get this starter ring out and swapped and I’ll be good to go I think. Let me know if you have any additional feedback on the device, tips, PA thoughts, etc.
One of the things Charmer and I do to help in the communications area is to journal to each other every weekday. We have a private blog that we write posts on to each other. Mine are due by noon and hers include feedback and responses to mine, plus her own thoughts. It’s been an excellent tool, in a private, passworded forum.
One thing is abundantly clear. I overthink. And then I overthink some more. If you read my posts, you’d see that I’m constantly in a place where I’m asking things like
- Why does FLR feel “right?”
- Why does the chastity device cause goodsubbie feelings?
- …and why does that feel “right?”
- Why do I want to do X, Y or Z?
- Is liking the /s/ mentality a weakness? Strength? Is it OK?
- Why would someone do that?
- Why does this feel “right”
- What is causing such a strong draw to understand this thing or that thing?
It’s constant. From my feelings about D/s to how the FLR works to play time, I’m the one constantly trying to figure out the WHY or the feelings behind it. So much so that I’ve taken to exclaiming “(GAH!)” every time I write “the way I feel about this is…” It’s actually getting kind of comical. Charmer is left to remind me over and over “Does it matter why? Just let it be and go with it!” Not that she doesn’t care, not at all, just that I need to learn that some things just… are.
For example, if you’ve seen the Submissive Guy comics, I love ’em. They show how the character loves the dynamic of the relationship. It’s the whole point of the comics, really. Leave it to me to constantly question “but WHY does it (being the /s/ in this whole thing) feel right?” Of course I usually follow up with “Is that normal?” Then, for some reason I have to sit and analyze and think through and come up with my thoughts on why this-or-that may be happening.
Charmer? Not a chance. “Oh, I like when we try this or make these changes or add this to the FLR or that cage or…”
I see this on some other blogs too – one person is constantly in analysis mode, the other is just “eh, whatever.”
I think this may be one of the biggest impediments to FLR for people. We spend so much time fighting a tendency that we may have toward incorporating a female led relationship that we don’t give ourselves the chance to just let it be. I don’t know if it’s society that puts that pressure on, or our own thoughts and feelings (GAH!) or what it is, but it’s a pretty big leap, at least for me, to take.
In the last 16 or so months, I’ve worked quite hard to settle into the new dynamic. Every time I just go with it, it rolls along almost magically. It’s peaceful, it’s “right.” Then, when I realize it’s happening, I have to sit back and try to figure out why it would make such a difference in my mind and in our relationship. I can’t just let it be. I have yet to figure out the why. But that’s OK.
I love taking care of Charmer, making sure she has what she needs and letting her manage the house, our lives and such. She’s amazing at the juggling act it requires on the homefront. From family to our own hobbies to us. I feel like it’s my job to facilitate that and make that as doable as possible. When we’re both firing on all cylinders, there’s nothing quite like it.
And lately, as this all settles into place quite nicely, this happens much more often than not. That’s a pretty amazing place to be.
Now if I can just figure out why it took so long to figure out we needed this change. Any why we like it so much. And why it works so well…
Snake has been completely overwhelmed by work this week. His Muggle life is very busy on a regular basis since we own our own business, but this week has included an event that just pushed everything even more. Adding to our usual dance classes, stuff around the house and his father trying to make him feel guilty and he just hasn’t had time to post. So I thought I’d give everyone a quick update.
His PA is healing so well that he is making me jealous. When I got my belly button pierced, it got infected and it was six months before I was supposed to change the jewelry. In my daily inspection of the PA, I can see that it is really already healed. Excluding a couple of times that the ring got turned sideways, he hasn’t had any discomfort in over a week. And today is the two week mark.
His Steelheart has shipped and should be here very soon. We figured out that he has been in some sort of chastity device since December 2013 with just a few breaks for trips. He’s really noticing the “off” feeling of being free while he’s been healing and is definitely looking forward to getting locked up again. I told him that he had to strip when he was home and no one else was around to try to get some of the subby feelings back. It has helped but it just isn’t the same. But, even when he is locked up again, I decided the clothes-free zone will continue. It gives me more opportunities to play…
Watching his dad work his way through getting older, we have decided that we will never get old. We might get older, but we will continue to try new things and be adventurous. We know that his stepmom quilts a lot and loves to bake. We have no idea what his dad does all day. Other than nap. And apparently wait for Snake to come for lunch once a week. Snake cancelled on them, for one of the first times ever, due to work. Snake could just feel the waves of disappointment from them.
They are snowbirds and we are their winter home. After Snake’s mom died, his dad married someone he had known since high school. She had stayed there and he had a house here. They decided to split their time in the different climates. During the “summer” half, they have friends who are all retired. They can go to each other’s houses and eat pie and chat every night. We have jobs and other commitments. It makes them feel ignored because sitting in a circle and eating pie while talking constantly is not our thing and not possible with life and responsibilities we have.
We also won’t go to church with them. His father never went until he remarried but now has decided that his greatest failure was not instilling this in his children. Snake is one of the most moral people I have ever met. We’re just not religious. Church has become their thing. I respect that. He just doesn’t respect that it isn’t ours. Our daughter went to visit them about a year and a half ago. They took her to their church where the entire sermon was about how young people need to go to church and be part of that community. She was the only person under 50 in the place. It certainly wasn’t directed at her. 🙂
I often wonder how Snake came from his family. He is more liberal than when we first met but his parents were prudes. I came from the family where just about anything was ok as long as you paid your own way and didn’t hurt anyone. Snake’s mother redacted the book “Airport” before he could read it because “the sex scenes didn’t add anything to the plot.” My mother let me read anything and just told me to ask questions if I didn’t understand something. Snake’s dad gave him a talk about STDs and told him to “keep it zipped.” My mom took me to get on the pill. It’s a wonder I didn’t fry Snake’s brain more than I did when we started dating.
You can just imagine the reactions that our daughter has gotten from his family at large to her piercings, tattoos and sexual “phase” (she’s bi, must be a “phase” according to them). You would think we had raised the next Hannibal at the beginning. 🙂 I think there is hope for them, though. They have started spending time with her alone and I think they have realized that she is really epic. I just don’t think Snake will be sharing news of his PA anytime soon.
I guess all of that is really to say that I have an amazing husband. He takes care of his parents, he takes care of his children, he takes care of me and he takes care of his employees. We are best friends, business partners and kinky lovers. The more we push, the more we want to do. And we’ll leave the getting old and naps to other people.