Submissive Buttons

I am continuing to learn about what pushes my buttons in this new(er to us) lifestyle. I wrote before about the “subbie” energy and how, I believe, you pull it from the things that happen, and the relationship, rather than have it necessarily instilled in you by your Domme.  I do think it’s comes from a whole range of things and I’m finding that it’s also a combination of things that really pushes things over the top.  Do I love it when I’m pushed by Charmer to do things that I wouldn’t be otherwise doing?  You bet.  No question.

But I also love it when there are a bunch of little things that constantly keep pecking at the relationship.

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An “off” week at the Snake household…

We’ve just had an out-of-sorts week this week.  It started off with a misstep, which caused a misunderstanding, which moved on to a full-scale argument.  We rarely argue.  We bicker.  A lot.  We regularly call each other rude names in public and freak other people out who don’t know that this is our silliness.  We annoy each other like every married couple, but usually nothing really sticks.

Snake has a really slow fuse.  I am explosive but then it’s over in 30 seconds.  Our daughter is just like me and he is always amazed when we go from screaming at each other to giggling in no time flat.  It’s just who we are.  And our differences usually keep things calm because he just rolls his eyes at my rants and all is good.  I’m his sounding board so he rarely gets too angry.  When we start having hurt feelings and miscommunication, all bets are off.

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Our Version of Dominance and Submission

There has been a lot of blogging lately about how subs can be made to feel submissive.  Several people have talked about more discipline, several have talked about more verbal commands and Snake made his feelings known last week.

There are so many posts on what makes a Domme.  If you do x, you aren’t really a Domme.  If you don’t do x, you aren’t really a Domme.  It’s the fantasy version of the woman in black leather holding handcuffs and a whip.  It’s not reality.  Sure, there is probably leather, handcuffs and whips in many of our arsenals.  But I think those are tools, not the actual domination.

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Submission, and Demanding More From Your Dominant Partner

There have been a few different posts by other bloggers lately talking about their desire to re-acquire that submissive feelings and attitude they crave.  The blogs are extremely popular and are amazing resources.  I have HUGE respect for these blogs and mean no ill-intent at all in this post.  This is just my take and my thoughts on the topic.

I read these posts with great interest.  I have to admit, I also read them and reacted one way initially, another way after having thought about it some more, and then have settled into a pretty surprising realization in yet another direction since.  Talk about food for thought.

It’s has even lead to several discussions between Charmer and myself about this.

On the face of it, it seems like they’re demanding how they want their Dominant to act toward them.  In my opinion, they’re essentially topping from the bottom on how they want the Dominant to act.

The general gist of the posts was talking about how their Domme (the lead posters are both male subs) needs to step up her declarations of power over them.  They were saying that those displays of power (telling them what to do, being more clear on their dominance, etc.) were what they needed from the relationship so they could feel that submissive feeling.

For me, this is the wrong approach to getting this feeling of being the /s/ in the relationship.  I have found that when I look for the guidance, for things like “orders” or more stringent interactions, while they’re there, it’s not where I draw my submissive energy from in the relationship.

I try really hard to draw my energy from her feelings, not her actions.  If I’m doing everything I can to help out, to give her what she needs, etc, she’ll be in a great place.  If I respond to requests quickly, always open doors, do all of those things (chivalry, helping, doing my part, taking things off her plate of stuff to be done), she’ll be happy with the help, happy with the situation.  THAT drives my subbie buttons.

It’s not really her standing over me demanding things.  It’s a feeling of knowing what I can do to help her.  To do things for her.  A perfect example is baths.  I draw her bath, get her a drink, her kindle, make sure she has bath bombs, towels, etc.  She gets time to read and I get time to get the bedroom ready for bed time.  I draw a lot of /s/ energy from that, knowing that I just know how to help her.

I don’t think it’s the responsibility of the dominant partner to find things to demand.  To find things to force their dominance on you about.  I think it’s their place to indicate what they need, to deal with it if it’s not done (or done to their liking), and to make decisions, choose direction, etc.  Those are FLR and D/s things that are clearly in their wheelhouse.  But I don’t think they have to constantly be looking for ways to flex their muscles just to generate /s/ feelings for the submissive partner.  I think that’s unrealistic.

Again, this is just my experience, but it’s important to draw energy from their feelings, not their actions.  How do they feel?  How do they like how you’re doing things, how things are set up?  You can draw incredible energy from that and I think that’s a much better place to get the energy.

I saw a post a while ago where one person was coaching another just getting rolling with D/s dynamics.  The important take-away was one quote that “it’s not about you.”  (paraphrased) – it’s not about the submissive partner, me.  It IS about the dominant partner, in my case, her.  I have to keep that in mind, and keep that as my goal.  Then, when I succeed at that goal, I get the reward of the wonderful submissive warm and fuzzies.

Update on the PA – 3 weeks in

The Prince Albert saga is heading toward normalcy now, but thought I’d pass along an update on my learnings.  When I was considering this, it seems like you see a few different types of posts:

  • I really, really, really want to get a PA, but I’m terrified of getting my junk pierced.  Does it hurt?
  • Typically in response to the one above, “No, go for it.  It’s great!”
  • Posts about the terror of getting it done.  Often, these are linked to videos were you would think the entire lower body of the individual was being lopped off at once and re-attached during the piercing process.  Not a good representation of the process, and alarmist, to say the least.
  • Posts about the day after – “It was a bloodbath” was my favorite in this genre.
  • Not much thereafter really.

So I wanted to try give some more information.  When first pierced, I was given a 10g 7/8″ ring.  Freakishly larger than I expected.  As I mentioned, it was explained that this was just a starter.  You can bet your sweet…. piercing it is.  It’s large enough, actually, to cause issues, at least for me.  The torque on the ring twisted it all around and caused more irritation than the basic piercing process.  But, It wasn’t my call.  Besides, let’s be real.  When I was getting the piercing done, he could have told me he was going to thread a small, rusted, bent fishhook through and I wouldn’t have objected.  I was too terrified.  All for naught, but it’s the truth.

Quick side note, just to cover my back side.  Never pierce your penis with a small, rusted, bent fishhook.  It won’t end well.  Oh, and while we’re at it, don’t put lead solder through your piercing to “keep it open” or stretch it.  Yes, I’ve seen posts about this, believe it or not.  These things are bad for you.  Very bad idea.  See a piercer, get medical implant grade metals, make sure it’s sterilized, etc.

Quick status.  We’re now approaching 4 weeks in.  Be sure to read the other posts about the PA experience, it’s been an interesting ride at times, but generally very straightforward.  I’d agree with the second bullet above, “go for it.”  It’s really cool and you’ll like it.  A lot.

At about 2 1/2 weeks in, I finally decided I’d had enough with the big ring.  But the piercer used a tool-required captured ball ring.  This means you need to go back to the piercer to get it changed out (a good idea) or have the tools (in my mind, a better idea, so you can deal later) to do it yourself.  There are a number of places that sell the funky tools – basically reverse pliers – you can even find them on Amazon (not an affiliate link/nor endorsement). They make removing the ball possible and even easy.

Original ring out, I had purchased an 8g and 6g ring (Titanium) from an online retailer and put in the 8g ring.  Went in without a hitch and even had the presence of mind to buy one that didn’t require tools to put the ball back in (snap-in captured ball ring is what they call it).  I also changed the ring size, down from 7/8 to 5/8.  Seems like the most common sizes are 5/8 and 3/4.  The right size depends on a) you, and b) the type of jewelry you’re putting in.

If you’re putting in a ring, you can be pretty close to the distance between your piercing and the urethra opening.  I don’t have a curved barbell yet, but my understanding from reading and such is that you should likely go one size up (so 5/8 to 3/4 for example) for the distance between the end-cap balls.  This is because the barbell “settles in” to your urethra differently than the ring does.  It needs a bit more room.  Feel free to add a comment if you have more experience with this, and I’ll update too as I try different things.

The other variable I’ve seen is the sizing on the end-cap balls.  Don’t go small.  You don’t have to put beach balls on there, but you don’t want tiny balls either.  <Giggle.  SSC> Yes, I realize how you’re probably reading this, but bear with me.  If they’re too small, they can slip into the urethra and that’s “unpleasant.”

I’m now sitting in a 8g, itching to go to 6g when the stars align.  The 8g is SO much more comfortable.  The correctly sized ring is as well.  It was an amazing difference with it in.  At this point, from all I can tell, things are healed fully and just settling in.  To me, the difference is *any* kind of pain or discomfort suggests healing – and that’s gone.  It used to be uncomfortable with pressure on the ring, or moving it, etc.  Not bad, just … odd.  Now, it’s no longer the case at all.  I call that healed.  The settling in comes from now trying to get accustomed to a new chastity device (my next project) and letting my body tell me when it’s cool to go to the next gauge size.

The new Steelheart is incredibly well made, and I’m looking forward to the PA attachment it has.  In the little experimenting I’ve done thus-far, it’s very comfortable and, yes, looks great too.  I know, “patience young grasshopper.”

I’m so good at being patient waiting.  I mean, it’s not like I have to constantly remind myself that I really don’t want to push this, that it needs to move along at its own pace.  Oh yeah, I do have to keep remembering that.  A good friend (DualDrew) let me know that I needed to wait about 6 weeks before really judging.  Seems about right.  But the payoff is that it looks really cool, feels great and soon, perhaps, Charmer will let me experience the other fun side of things… But that’s a different post.

Feel free to ask question, post ideas, post your own experiences.  Of course everyone is different.  But I keep hearing my piercer in my head:

It’s a really simple piercing.  If all guys knew how simple it was, and how great it made sex afterward, I can guarantee you *everyone* would have one.

That’s pretty cool. Still waiting for my “welcome to the PA club membership card” though.

Not that anyone is asking me…

Most of you read our blog for our chastity and piercings escapades.  Fair warning, this is just pure rant… 🙂

I am rather opinionated.  🙂  Usually only my family and close friends get to (are forced to?) listen to my rants.  Believe me, there are plenty of them.  The news gives me constant fodder for giving my opinions.  The Internet is another great source.  I don’t usually share most of these opinions online because I hate the “me too” posts.

Our business is web-based so Snake and I spend a lot of time online.  We have had many years of experiencing the Internet in all of its good and bad parts.  In general, I think it has opened up pieces of the world to people and made it a better place.  I also think that it has given people the impression that they should opine on other people’s lives when it doesn’t affect them.

When I was in high school eons ago, I had a good friend who was bisexual.  It didn’t matter to me.  He was my friend.  He was so confused by the mixed messages that he got that he was constantly flipping from being gay to being straight.  He told me he had to pick one.  When I asked him why he told me that it wasn’t right to be attracted to both sexes.  At 17 I was the first person in his life who told him that it was ok.

I’ve been arguing for equal rights and gay marriage for over 30 years.  Yes, you can do the math.  🙂  I could never understand why it was even an argument.

Snake and I are heterosexual and in a monogamous relationship. This is who we are.  We are the “normal” couple.  “Aren’t they cute?  You two look like you are still so in love.”  We are very much in love but I think most of our Muggle friends would drop their teeth if they ever looked in our toy box or realized that Snake wears a collar under his shirt daily.  And, of course, is usually locked away.

I’ve given you some history to let you know that this isn’t a “revelation.”  I was raised that unless you were paying someone’s bills, you didn’t get much say in how they lived.  My marriage is strong.  Opening up the gates to other people getting married won’t affect mine.  But it affects so many other people and the attitudes affect even more.

Our daughter started questioning her sexuality at 12.  Not a surprise to either one of us. She was president of the LGBT chapter at her high school.  She has never hidden who she is.  She has had relationships with men and women.  She hates the label “bisexual” and refers to herself as queer.  I don’t label her as anything besides my wonderful and sometimes infuriating daughter.  She truly is an amazing person.  She is accepting of other people and their beliefs.  And yet, she has had so many ignorant and mean comments thrown her way.

Apparently, according to the masses, she just wants more people to screw (she’s actually been told this). She wants a monopoly on potential dates.  She can’t be trusted because she will have sex with anyone.  If someone asks her out, she has to be attracted to him/her because she is attracted to everyone.  Women don’t want to date her because she’s been near a dick.  Men have told her that she just hasn’t met the right man.  She’s too pretty for…I could go on for pages.  And most of these people don’t even know her or have any reason to care.

There have been a lot of nasty comments as responses to a number of blogs lately.  I’m not going to be specific.  The bottom line is that it isn’t right to push your beliefs on other people.  The comments are on sex blogs.  The people making the comments know what blog they are on.  If you are offended by it, don’t read it.  No one is forcing you to read them.  But, before you decide to rip into someone, maybe think about the fact that these are human beings with feelings and have a right to live their own lives as they see fit.  They aren’t being deceitful, they aren’t being promiscuous and they aren’t forcing you to join in.

They are also someone’s son or daughter.  And maybe, one day, it will be you having to console your child when people are cruel because of the way they were born.